Loving Yourself Some Donald Trump Makes You a Winner By Proxy

One thing I’ve noticed—being from Alabama—is the ever-loving adoration for a college football team: the 16-time national championship winning Alabama Crimson Tide. Why do we love the Tide so much?

Because they’re winners. And if they’re winners, then supporting them makes you a winner by proxy. No matter what is happening in your real life, if you wear your brightest Walmart crimson sweatshirt, then voila. You. Are. A. Champion.

Naturally, everyone wants to be a winner. We’re born and bred to be winners. So we should all gravitate towards the one man who serves as a shining symbol of all-around excellence: Donald Trump.

Don’t like your marriage? Support Donald Trump. He’s married to a supermodel from Yugoslavia, so you by default would be married to a Yugoslavian supermodel, too.

Does your financial situation suck? He’s a billionaire! You vote for him, then you become a fantasy billionaire.

Are you sick of hiding all your favorite racist and misogynistic theories in all those anonymous YouTube comments? Guess who’s just going to say that shit out loud to crazed Midwesterners?

Donald Trump produces winners out of non-winners by simply being a winner, and winners produce winners by winning! That’s why Sarah Palin gravitated so easily to the Trump campaign. She failed the GOP with her bid for VP. Her son was recently arrested on domestic violence charges. And Bristol the Abstinence Advocate? Two children out of wedlock. She might be the former governor or Alaska, but her life sure does closely resemble that of a stereotypical Bama fan.

Earlier this week, in her most glamorous “Golden Girls” shingle dress, Palin let the world know that she stands with the golden-haired, bear paw of a man who is The Donald. So be like her— and like Bama fans. Stand by the people who look towards victory so that you, too are vicariously victorious! After all, it’s the oldest adage in the Bible. “Surround yourself with bad bitches, and you, too, can make America great again.”

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Martin Morrow (@martinMmorrow) is a stand-up comedian and member of the Second City Touring Company. He's been seen on NBC's "Last Comic Standing" and Comedy Central's "Why? with Hannibal Buress."