Making New Friends The Old School Way

At six, the requirements for a meaningful bromance with my first, best friend Kristopher were simple: I liked the Superman shirt he wore, we both played Legos, and my giant front teeth reminded him of Bugs Bunny, his favorite cartoon.

Many years and much technological baggage later, Instagram & Twitter are the new playground & cafeteria, and cultivating a real-world friendship can be daunting. Maybe it’s time to revisit those basic friend-making principles from long ago:

“I’ve been watching you.” (Pass Them A Note)

Just like in the old days, a simple handwritten note is such a special way to say: “I like you.” For an added retro factor, write it in crayon and put a tiny bit of your blood on the corner of it.

“Want to sleep on my floor this weekend?” (Host a Sleepover)

This can be tricky if you have a studio, but don’t let it deter you. Just make sure to sweep a little bit and let them know about the fun activities you have planned or anything special they need to bring. “Sleepover at my place! —
Bring a sack dinner, a Tylenol PM and a Scuba mask.”

“Eat this.” (Bake Them a Treat)

Remember treat days at school? Nothing has changed! One way to a potential friend’s heart is through their stomach. Not a baker or on a budget? No worries. Most coffee shops have a “day old” section of scones and other goodies. Be sure to keep it sanitary, though—perhaps bring it to them wearing plastic gloves.

“Nicholas Cage is so fucking cool, isn’t he?” (Talk About Mutual Interests)

A word of caution here: Politics and religion are tricky areas to navigate, even for besties. Stick to fun topics you can both agree on. Don’t forget to ask questions to show interest. Some ideas: “Which one of your legs is shorter?”; “What’s your favorite liquid?”; “Let’s take turns saying things we think Michelle Obama would say.”

“Who do you hate and how can we hurt them?” (Show Your Loyalty)

Every playground had a bully and every friend needs an ally to help thwart the dragons. A little toxicology research, a rusty tire iron, and a lot of willpower go a long way towards showing a friend how much they mean to you.

“I love your ears” (Pay Them A Compliment)

What’s everyone’s favorite topic? THEMSELVES! Don’t be shy! A potential friend wants to hear why they are special in your eyes. Try one of these: “I really like the way you sleep!”; “Your nose reminds me of Idaho.”

“Want to see all of my sweaters?” (Show Them Your Cool Stuff)

Let’s face it; we’re all a bit materialistic. Remember the kid who seemed to have every baseball card and action figure? Don’t be afraid to show off your prized collections. Just be sure to let them know they’re welcome to share your toys. Good ideas: used soaps, vintage toupees, fireworks.

“I’m afraid of paper plates.” (Share A Secret)

Nothing cements a friendship more than the ability to be vulnerable and offer something private about yourself. Examples of fun-to-share secrets: Celebrity crushes (Hoda Kotb, Mickey Rourke); Worst memory from childhood (the basement); Fantasy careers (Dog Jockey, Professional Witness).

Matthew Van Colton is a New York and Chicago-based writer & performer. He loves the smell of pine trees, he’ll never turn down peanut butter with chocolate, and he thinks the idea of having a stalker is both romantic and flattering. More at www.matthewvancolton.com