Monday Morning Silverbacks: How Social Media Solves Tragedies

How I pity the decision makers of the world. It must be tough to make close calls and then jump on Facebook the next day only to learn everything you did was terribly wrong.

As people in authority attempt to rescue children from gorillas, organize protests or prosecute celebrities, they need the masses to tell them what they should have done. Here’s how you can take part and bring hindsight to the blind:

Schrödinger's gorilla

When a young boy fell into a gorilla closure, the Cincinnati Zoo decided to put the animal down to save the kid. According to social media, people were 100% certain this action violated all known laws of physics by being the right move and the absolutely worst decision at the exact same time. People observing the same event saw the gorilla seconds away from devouring the child whole AND kindly singing it nursery rhymes.

Since major tragedies exist in these quantum states, we must turn to social media to find the popular solution, since discovering the correct one is impossible (read: would take time and critical evaluation of facts from multiple contrasting sources).

Always play defense

As a Pulitzer Prize-winning behavioral scientist, I recognize people often inflate their expertise online. The last thing you want to do, however, is admit that you don’t have all the answers. Showing that you’re willing to reevaluate your opinion—even for a second—will only provide opportunity for you to be proven wrong/learn something.

You should start your public posts with phrases like:

• “It’s obvious…”
• “This is ridiculous…”
• “Here’s why I’m voting for Trump…”

The key is to ensure anyone who disagrees knows you made your decision long ago, and you don’t plan to waste your time on useless debate tactics. Like empathy.

The privilege of spider-sense

In the gorilla example, social channels were quick to blame the mother for letting her child escape his safety harness. The media even brought up the father's criminal record, because Fox News apparently believes endangered species wait until a parent is in police custody before attacking the young.

Online audiences always know what and who is dangerous. After accusations were made of celebrities committing misogynistic crimes people were quick to post how they have always found Johnny Depp creepy, Bill Cosby unfunny and their bibles burst into flames whenever Mel Gibson was on screen.

We must be careful when discussing the victims of crimes and tragedies. Not everyone is lucky enough to live in a world where children never run ahead of their parents and all abusers are uncharismatic trolls.

Rise above the crowd by jumping over barriers

Sure, modern communication tools allow you to connect with people all around the world. This means you can see public perceptions of major events from every possible angle and gain a deeper understanding of different groups. But you don’t want to be a part of a dialogue! You need to show your superiority by being the only one who truly understands what went down.

It’s like when you’re at a party. You just have to pretend to listen long enough so you can tell your story that’s way better than everyone else’s. So don’t take the time to read all the information. Instead, insult as many people as possible and use every hyperbolic term you can think of to criticize the story of a kid who did something foolish for attention. It’s the only way to get people to acknowledge you.

__________________________________________________________________

C.J. Tuor performs with the improvised drinking thriller “Hitch*Cocktails” every Friday night at The Annoyance Theatre in Chicago.