More Racist Holidays Besides St. Patrick's Day

St. Patrick’s Day— a day where we pay homage to our Irish ancestors and contemporaries by celebrating the important parts of Irish culture:

• Donning green clothes
• Dyeing the river green
• Throwing parades full of shamrocks, leprechauns and t-shirts
• Commanding that we “Kiss Them, They’re Irish”
• Feasting upon classically Irish fare to soak up the classically Irish ritual of over-imbibing (Irish Car Bomb, anyone?)

But why only the Irish? Shouldn’t we celebrate people from other lands with the same excitement, sensitivity and extreme attention to detail? Here are a few new holidays The Second City Network would like to see added to the calendar.

JAPAN DAI

January 16th, the day the last Imperial Samurai died

Everyone dresses like a sexy school girl and drinks Nagasaki Bombs (hot saki dropped in a Manhattan). Make your Benihana reservation in advance; they are as slammed on this holiday as Chinese restaurants are on Jewish Christmas.

HILARION DAY

June 28, Ukrainian Constitution Day

Everyone sports fur hats with ear flaps, t-shirts that say “CherNO!byl” and eats Kiev quiche while the river is dyed red. Some people remained convinced this is Russia Day.

Shot ‘o the Day: The Mail-Order Bride (A shot of cherry juice followed by a bottle of vodka. Starts sweet but ends with you passed out and alone.)

PELÉ DAY

July 7, Pelé’s first international match

The day celebrating Brazilians is filled with soccer and full body waxing. There is parade of meat on sticks.

JOSÉ DAY

August 17, death day of José de San Martín, the Argentine general who lead the struggle for independence from the Spanish Empire)

A day of fiestas and siestas. You dress like a matador and drink sangria until everything shuts down for four hours. You awaken to a parade led by James Franco.

Drink ‘o the Day: The “Franco Fascist” (You line up shots of café and shoot them à la firing squad. Afterward, you feel as though you can take over the world.)

ST. STEVE DAY

February 22nd, birthday of Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin

Highlights: Shouting “Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oi Oi Oi” while manning the barbie and drinking “The Piercing Stingray’” (just a normal-sized Foster’s dropped into one of those enormous ones). The piercing happens when you wake up the next morning, aka “The Day After St. Steve Day Bank Holiday”)

MIDDLE EASTER

November 25th, release date of Disney’s Aladdin

Whilst wearing hammer pants and t-shirts that say either “Rub My Lamp” or ” Take a Ride on My Camel Humps,” everyone tries to figure out what continent they are celebrating.

CINCO DE MAYO

Date TBD

We wear sombreros, break piñatas and watch the border like a hawk—lest any realMexicans make it to the party.

Shot ‘of the Day: The Immigration (It’s a delicious shot of tequila drowned in a Bud Light.)

Man, when a holiday isn’t for the white and English-speaking, it almost seems … a bit… racist? Don’t think about it too much. Just enjoy getting day-drunk, puked on and acting like an asshole.

And if you miss St. Paddy’s Day, the 4th of July is just around the corner!

Andel Sudik has performed improv at iO, the Playground and the Annoyance and sketch comedy at Second City on a cruise ship, in theatricals, with the National Touring Company and on the e.t.c. stage. She is an alumni of Boom Chicago in Amsterdam, currently teaches sketch and improv in Chicago and occasionally writes things while looking out her window at the lake. Follow her on Twitter @AndelSudik or check out her website andelsudik.com. 

Image: Creative Commons Leprechaun-001 by  Chris Sheppard, used under CCBY 2.0, text added.