My Big Fat Greek Bailout

It wasn’t so long ago that when the words “Greece” and “depression” were overheard spoken aloud, a debate about a campy Travolta-less musical sequel was breaking out. (Grease 2. It happened.) But for the last five years or so, it’s referred to the extreme economic decay of Greece and its increasingly unstable economy--despite multiple rescue attempts from the European Union and a five-week market shutdown that ended, well, even worse than Grease 2.

After the news of Monday's catastrophic Athens Stock Exchange spread, it's more impossible than ever not to feel bad for our tzatziki-loving friends. The global recession that largely started in the US and produced Greece’s situation had TERRIBLE timing; at the time, the country was consuming more than it produces in terms of trade and got caught under-stating their deficit.

In other words, the Eurozone was like, “hey, Greece, you okay? You got that nasty American cold going around? You don’t look so good, buddy.” And then Greece was like, “No problem, brosef’. I feel fine, and my immune system totally isn’t compromised. Let’s party all night like it’s a year that was good for the economy!”

A hard luck country with a headstrong, party up attitude deserves a little slack. I mean, seriously. These people’s ancestors have defeated hydras, gorgons and minotaurs! Why would they fear a couple cheques bouncing? Unless it’s got a cool demonic name like “Cheque-ulous,” it’s not even going to show up on their radar as a threat.

There is a silver lining to each of Greece’s frustrating obstacles, and a positive outlook can’t crash as easily as those stocks did, right? So Plutus, Greek god of wealth, has left the building - so what? When there are no easy solutions and your Finance Minister quits under pressure, then it’s time to quit with the patchwork and start with some Patch Adams.

Here’s some “positive” spins on those big fat Grecian problems.

The Kidults Aren't Alright

As much as two thirds of Greece’s population between ages 18-29 are currently living with their parents, unable and/or unwilling to leave the nest. Obviously, this is correlated to the economic downturn in Greece and is a problem not easily solved. Terrible, right? WRONG! Hey Greece, your kids are all Matthew "Failure to Launch" McConaughey! Their listless, aimless behaviour is just a stepping stone to a huge Hollywood comeback! Wait it out; not-so-little Stavros will be out in space working with Christopher Nolan before you know it! Alright, alright, alright.

Death and ....Something? 

As Greece tries to help shore up its struggling economy through increased taxation of the working class, a growing trend of refusing to pay taxes is emerging (and the Greek government is failing to collect). I know what you’re thinking-- Grecian Robin Hood, am I right?! Take from the rich; give tax money to the poor? Yep, all these saved taxes must be going towards the impoverished Grecian people and away from the villainous wealthy. Hey, that’s probably why employment is also down! With all this Robin Hooding going on, it’s not that work isn’t available... they probably don’t even NEED jobs anymore, right? Whimsical!

The Ted Rogers Acropolis

As part of their current bailout arrangement, Greece’s main creditors are directly overseeing a massive privatization  of key Greek “assets” ($55 billion's worth) to try and reduce their debt load.

Finally! Someone’s going to update those dusty Greek monuments and give them a little sparkle! When Toronto’s Skydome was bought up and renamed the Ted Rogers Centre, it really filled that Ted Rogers hole inside that Blue Jays fans didn’t even know needed filling. Besides, with classic myths being made by Disney and seeded with ads, we’ve already taken the first step. The truth is, I don’t want to climb a Mount Olympus that doesn’t have a huge Mountain Dew logo on it. 

He's on Fire!

Seven years ago, Greece was rocked by widespread fires during a year of extreme drought, many of which were attributed to acts of arson as a form of terror-based government resistance. But y’know, when Guy Fawkes tried a little fiery resistance, they got a holiday out of it, so what I’m hearing is Greece is going to be getting a new long weekend pretty soon? That’s a pretty sweet deal in exchange for fiery passive aggressive protest. Yep, that glass is definitely half full (of gasoline, probably).

Industry is down, suicide numbers are up, and a general feeling of hopelessness lingers.

Uhh...well, I mean, tourists, right? Like, uhh...but at least it’s not...hm.

Greece is Kind of Screwed.

Yeah. Yeah, I know.

Steve Hobbs is a Toronto-based actor/comedian/writer, trained in improv and sketch writing through Second City's Conservatory and longform programs. He's also a past senior editor/writer for The Beaverton satiric Canadian news magazine and is best known for his work at Toronto Fringe 2014 in sketch juggernaut "Everything is Fine," as well as with ex-Impatient Theatre Co. headliners "El Fantoma."