Never, Ever, EVER Hire People with These Names

It’s not a surprise to anyone that people with unconventional names face an uphill battle in life. Deciphering your name at Starbucks, never finding your name on souvenir license plates at amusement parks, and, most severely, people making racist assumptions about you. In a study conducted by UCLA, if someone has a “black sounding name,” Americans will assume the person with the name is large, scary, and has a criminal background.

Recently on The View while discussing this study, America’s fourth favorite windbag, Raven-Symonè, said that she wouldn’t hire anyone with a “ghetto name” like Watermelondrea. While Raven-Symonè is able to make whatever hiring decisions she wants, it would be prudent to alert her to other names (that aren’t black men or women’s names) that should raise some red flags in the hiring process.

The Preps: Chad, Brad, and Trevor

I know what you’re thinking. “Chad? Brad? Trevor? Those are all normal names! What’s wrong with those?” Oh, maybe that someone named Chad grew up with three country houses and sees something like fetching copies and lattes for management as below him. Meanwhile, Brad is fashioning a beer bong out of office supplies while the Brooks Brothers website is loading...and Trevor. Trevor. He’s mixing up a batch of Jungle Juice to serve to the interns. You can’t drink on the job, Trevor. Their dads got The Preps their interviews. Don’t hire them.

The Founding Fathers: George, Benjamin, and Ulysses

This one is a little tricky because you’ll probably find someone named Thomas, Alexander, or William who might actually be a good candidate for the position. The problem is the dark side of patriotism. Do you want someone interpreting the HR manual through a literal constitutional lens? Yeah, I didn’t think so. Do you want morning check-in meetings turning into Young Republicans recruitment sessions? Yeah, I didn’t think so. Do you want open carry in your office? Definitely not. Time to pass on Warren and Calvin and Franklin Delano.

The Food Group: Apple, Kale, and Olive

People with names that would be at home at a salad bar are becoming more commonplace, so if a resume with the name "Clementine" or "Pepper Jack" comes across your desk, don’t freak out. But also, don’t hire that person. Why? Because a potluck-namer is probably the child of a celebrity, and you don’t want that. Children of celebrities are terrible employees. They are always late because they have to be photographed holding an acai berry smoothie bowl (whatever that is) outside of Coachella (wherever that is) with Zendaya. (She’s a Disney Channel star known for her fashion sense. I know who that is!) Just send someone in big sunglasses and an extra-large macchiato named Macchiato out the door.

The Natural Group: Storm, Sunshine, and River(s)

If the stack of resumes on your desk is starting to sound like a weather report or the legend on a map (Rain, Ocean, Mountain), you’re dealing with a very special group of people that under no circumstances should you hire. Do you want to work side by side with someone who was raised on a nudist commune by hippies? That’s what I thought.

Eustace

This person is the ghost of a Confederate General. Do not hire this person.

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Ali Barthwell is a member of the Second City Touring Company. She recaps campy TV for the internet. Follow her @wtflanksteak where she tweets about lipstick and Captain America's behind.