An Open Letter to Donald Trump from the Baby You Kicked Out of Your Rally

I thought you would be a duck in a sailor suit.

I was excited. You were blustery. And you definitely had the temper of a sailor duck, for sure. At first, I thought perhaps you were a whole bunch of angry ducks in a grown-up man suit. I was wrong.

You, sir, are no duck.

How dare you, sir? How. Dare. You. After I patiently sat through your speech, my pants all full of one of my Top 3 All-Time Poops, you decided to kick me out. Because I was crying. Well, I’m sorry, but you are just a very loud and scary man with a great big pumpkin head. And this is coming from someone who lets a vampire teach him how to count.

Add on to that the sheer amount poop in my pants. Which I assure you was an admirable amount. And I poop a lot, sir. I poop so much you wouldn’t believe it. It is truly a remarkable feat that I take pride in and also makes me fussy. So yeah, I cried. I’m a baby. Sue me.

(Editor’s Note: We understand that you are quite litigious, Mr. Trump, which is your right as an American. Nevertheless, we implore you, Mr. Trump. Please do not to sue an actual human baby.)

Kicked me out! For crying! After taking in everything you said so clearly. This is not a compliment, sir. For you see, I am a baby. I am only this many. I should not be able to understand your proposals and ideas for being the big chair and house man. There is a reason I am not allowed to vote or take off my floaties. And on this same note, as a grown man, your hands should be larger than my own.

But you have crossed a line, sir. Babies everywhere will hear of this and poop their pants just terribly. You have awoken a giant sleeping baby. True, we cannot vote. But our parents can vote. And we are loud, and we are manipulative. We know how to get what we want. And we always get what we want, sir. We will cry and kick and scream until we get our way.

Apparently, this is behavior you are all too familiar with.

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Peter Kremidas is a graduate of The Second City Conservatory, The Severn Darden Graduate program where he performed with Bluff, The School at Steppenwolf, iO, and The Annoyance. His one man show Roots and Branches: An Untrue Story Based on Several True Ones premieres September 8th at The Public House Theatre.

Image via Wikipedia.