Organizations Even More Corrupt Than FIFA?

Blatter.

Outside of the speech bubble in a Cathy cartoon, you probably haven’t seen this word anywhere until a few weeks ago when allegations of widespread corruption against FIFA president Joseph “Sepp” Blatter and the entire organization became more commonplace than said cartoon female. And she’s in syndication.

Since then, Blatter’s been busy: he had fourteen major subordinates and lieutenants arrested; he won re-election as president of FIFA despite overwhelming evidence of racketeering, accepting bribes to secure the World Cup 2022 location and unsuccessfully sweeping more than 4000 bodies under the Qatar construction sites; he followed his heart and stepped down as FIFA president--which had nothing to do with newfound evidence that he was paid $10 million to put the 2010 World Cup in South Africa.

There appears to be little doubt that FIFA is the most corrupt organization in the world, but check out the corruption level of a few groups that are pretty close.

The Decepticons from 'Transformers'

They started from a peaceful coup... but quickly found that power is more fun. Plus, if you’re going to tell me that Star Scream isn’t flipping illegal shipments of Energon behind Megatron’s back, well, you’re about as coherent as the plot of one of the films.

Corruption Level: A Michael-Bay-explosion-sized amount

The Plastics from 'Mean Girls'

The Burn Book, loving your mom’s vintage skirt, making “fetch” happen--these ladies know how to play dirty to get their way. Look no further than the movie’s unsung, tragic hero, Coach Carr, and how they brought down that innocent pedophile to benefit themselves.

Corruption Level: YOU CAN’T SIT WITH US

The Catholic Church

I’m not touching this one. Said the Catholic Church never.

Corruption Level: Nothing so big that an indulgence won’t fix it

The Barksdale Crew from 'The Wire'

Stringer, how could you cross Avon? Poot, why’d you do that to Wallace? Bodie didn’t have to die! At least we can all take solace in our knowledge that this level of corruption and decay doesn’t exist in real-life Baltimore.

Corruption Level: The game is the game

Monsanto

Blah blah GMOs blah blah single-use seeds blah blah bad for the world blah.

Corruption Level: Blah blah a lot blah

TLC 

Here’s a sample conversation from inside the TLC headquarters:

FCC: “We've noticed a lot of your featured shows are filled with confessed abusers, child molesters and overall terrible examples of people.”

TLC Exec: “Interesting points. Here are our ratings, and your percentage of our ad revenue numbers.”

FCC: "Thank you for the briefcase full of money. As you were.”

Corruption Level: Literally peddling incest for ratings, so, ya know, pretty bad 

NFL

Did you beat your child with a switch--but are the face of a franchise? See you next season. Did you literally knock your wife out cold on camera--but you’re the most dynamic part of your offense? Think about what you did during your paid games off. Did you kill two people after a Super Bowl party, but you’re Ray Lewis? Welcome to the Hall of Fame. Also, why is Goodell himself overseeing Brady’s appeal? I call bullshit.

Corruption Level: Cocky enough to go for two

Tim Ottolin is a writer, performer, and professional person. He is sorry he forgot to wish you a happy birthday this year.