Other Stuff We Wish Taylor Swift Would Complain About

Earlier this month, music/fashion icon and angelic gift to humankind Taylor Swift managed to do what Bill Gates, Samsung and Doctors That Don't Want to be Kept Away could not: defeat Apple.

After Swift penned an open letter titled “To Apple, Love Taylor” challenging the corporate giant’s decision to withhold royalty payments to musical artists and producers for the first three months of its new Apple Music streaming service, Apple pulled a sudden about-face, saying they had considered her concerns and would subsequently be paying artists royalties from Day 1. It’s an incredible accomplishment showing remarkable maturity and foresight—particularly for someone who once dated John Mayer—but we can’t help but feel like Swift’s remarkable voice might yet be put to even better use.

Here are 6 things we wish T-Swift would complain about now we know her words can sway even the most powerful minds:

Citizen’s United

The infamous Supreme Court ruling introduced unlimited corporate spending into our electoral process, radically altering the U.S. political system and granting personhood to Arby's. Do you really feel comfortable sharing the same citizenship status with Arby's, Taylor? Do you really feel comfortable sharing anything with Arby's? Please speak up on this issue—be it with another blog post, or with money, since apparently that also counts as speech now.

Starbucks S'Mores Frappuccino

I mean, at this point, it's pretty clear that Starbucks is just trying to kill us. Right? Like, there's a more-than-decent chance their next creation will be a "There's a Bunch of Tiny Knives Hidden Somewhere in This" Frappuccino. A complaint from T might get them to swap out these heart-bombs-disguised-as-coffee for, say, people food?

Vladimir Putin

Taylor Swift’s latest album? 1989. The fall of the Berlin Wall? 1989. The premiere of the first episode of Dragon Ball Z? 1989. Who better, then, to halt the man most likely to bring back the Cold War and/or re-make Dragon Ball Z than Tay?

iPhones

Maybe iPhones are free now? Look, I just feel like why not at least try it, right T? You seem to have some sway with the Apple people, so why not see how far you can go?

I'm Out of Grapes

I love grapes. They are delicious, and they come both green and red—like Christmas sweaters, or wires in a super-healthy action movie. Unfortunately, I'm all out. Point being, maybe Taylor could talk to the grape people and get them to send me some more grapes? Or make it so that grapes are free now? I don't know, this one wasn't really all that thought out...I do want more grapes, though...

Time Warner Cable

Just, like, can you get rid of them forever? Please? Taylor? For us?

Ben Larrison (@benlarrison) is a Chicago-based comedy person and writer and a member of the Second City Training Center's Severn Darden Graduate Program. www.benlarrison.com