Pi Day Math for Motherfμↄk∑rs

What up, fools? It’s yo boi, Archimedes.

They re-animated me to come talk to y’all on Pi Day. Yo man, you know about circles?  You know how to find the area of that motherfucker? “Oh,” you say, “that’s not practical.” “Oh, when am I gonna use that?”

Oh, ok… Let’s say you’re working your broke-ass job at Papa John’s and someone calls up and says:

"Yeah, I need a pizza that’s 12 inches in diameter. If it’s any more or less than that, I’m gonna murder you.” 

BAM, that’s ² , BITCH! Take that 12 inches, cut it in half to get the radius, put pi in front, squared in the back, you just made a perfect pizza Pi! Ok, so you’re saying that no one would ask for pizza in diameter and the situation would never escalate to homicide.

OKAY, SORRY.

Back in my day, you’d be killed for thinking about this shit, so maybe I’m a little UPTIGHT.  I mean, I spent years calculating more accurate estimations of Pi by using the Pythagorean Theorem with a million-sided polygons, so you could say I’m STRUNG OUT.

Here’s a more relaxing scenario to wrap your cranium around: You’re walking on the beach at sunset, the soft sand melts between your toes, and you’re holding hands with your lover.  You stumble across the most perfect seashell.  It’s perfectly cut in half, and you both look into the most perfect spiral you have ever seen.  You look into your lover’s eyes and grow closer because of this discovery.  You wonder, how could nature create something so beautiful?

MATH, MOTHERFUCKER!

My bestie (yeah, we besties), Euclid of Alexandria, discovered the golden ratio.  It first appeared in geometry, where "a straight line is said to have been cut in extreme and mean ratio when, as the whole line is to the greater segment, so is the greater to the lesser."  It can be expressed as such:

Now, you’re probably wondering, “What’s that little cocktail olive with the toothpick in it at the end?” THAT AIN’T NO COCKTAIL OLIVE, YOU MORON!  It’s phi, dummy!  Wipe that Pi off your face and know your Greek alphabet, chump.  Now some Italian dude Fibonacci (sounds like a pasta to me, haaaa) came up with a number sequence using the golden ratio to approximate the golden spiral (a special logarithmic spiral found in nature with special growth factor b).

The formula looks like this:

Now solve for b, chowderhead (hint: logarithmic spirals. So, every fire needs a log … just take the natural log of it, dum-dum):

You’re probably laughing at me right now. You’re all, “I thought this was Pi Day, not Spirograph Day!” Yeah, you really got me, didn’t you? Oh wait, this formula can also be expressed in radians, which would use ….

SOMEBODY CALL CRISS ANGEL, BECAUSE SOMEONE’S MIND JUST GOT FREAKED!  Raidans! Go back to the beginning of this article— what did we start with?? The RADIUS!  Full circle, get it? FULL CIRCLE!

Damn dude, you just got straight-up clowned! CIRCLES, BITCH!

Get your ass schooled on math 'n more at The Second City's Incomplete Guide to Everything, now playing at the UP Comedy Club.

Eric Schinzer is a comedian and improviser in Chicago.  He is part of Second City at Sea and performs with the sketch duo Battlemasters.  Please follow him on Twitter @Schinzer.