Places We Want to Hear 'Happy Birthday' Once It's Returned to the Public Domain

The copyright to "Happy Birthday to You" has long been held by Warner/Chappell Music, Inc., which explains the song's conspicuous absence from popular films and movies for the past century or so. However, the copyright claim has recently been challenged in a class action lawsuit, and things are looking good. Here are seven places we'd like to hear the song "Happy Birthday" sung... when it's finally returned to the public domain.

Chain Restaurants

Each chain restaurant has its own knock-off version, but everyone *knows* it's not really a birthday if you don't hear the real thing. That's why I've been alive for 6,000 years. No one has ever sung me the real thing... so I can't age. Please. Let me know peace, Denny's staff. Please.

Children’s Birthday Parties

Just once, I would like to go to a child’s birthday party and not have to draw the curtains, stuff towels under the doors and cower under the table before singing "Happy Birthday"-- only to have an elite cadre of Warner/Chappell lawyers burst through the door and drag us away for "re-education."

Movies

I would love to finally see a birthday scene in a movie that didn’t consist of the actors breaking character and staring blankly in to the camera for three minutes, just smoking and shaking their heads.

Cody’s Heart

Cody Matterson is a six-year-old boy who, because American corporations have had the same rights as people since 1819, was adopted and raised by a corporation in a crazy mix-up. As such, he’s had to follow every tiny law that a cost benefit analysis has shown to be more profitable to follow than break. He has never heard "Happy birthday." Or felt the loving embrace of a parent. On the plus side, his allowance is kept in an off-shore tax shelter, and his chores are done by anonymous children somewhere in China.

Being Sung Sexily to Presidents

There have long been speculations that Marilyn Monroe and John F. Kennedy were having an affair, thus the sexy nature of her rendition of "Happy Birthday" to him. But since the copyright went into effect, every president since JFK has had to make due with a dry handshake from the Speaker of the House and a terse blow job from the senate majority leader.

Hillary Clinton’s Benghazi Emails

This has all been a big setup for John McCain’s 80^th birthday. Boy will he be surprised on August 29th next year when all those e-mails pertaining to the 2012 attack on the American embassy turn out to be digital birthday cards and iTunes gift cards, and pictures of Ambassador Chris Stevens, and officer Sean Smith being totally fine. Happy birthday, you crazy maverick, you.

But Seriously. Denny’s. So I Can Die.

I know this ruling isn’t due for a while, but I’m pretty excited about not living for six more millennia. So if it’s cool with the staff, I’m just going to post up at a booth in the back until I can finally be released. Don’t worry; I’ll order a Grand Slamwich® every couple of hours. Not that I can taste it. Or ever feel full.

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James Freetly performs with Snapdragon every Saturday night in the DeMaat as part of the Severn Darden Graduate Program. He makes up spooky tales with The Improvised Twilight Zone Wednesdays at the Annoyance and spooky tweets @JHFreetly.