Reasons to Watch The Tony Awards Even Though We All Know Exactly How It’s Going to Shake Out

First, a damn certainty: Hamilton is not throwing away its shot.

With an incomprehensible 16 Tony Award nominations, the record-breaking biographsical is a lock to win just about all of them. Seriously, competition? It won the Pulitzer Prize for drama. You know what else was nominated? All drama. That's musicals, plays, and presumably all TNT programming--they know drama.

It's over. This is a battle like at the end of a Disney sports film -- not the one 20 minutes in, the rematch. We all know where this is headed.

Waitress? Keep waiting.

Bright Star? Not this Sunday.

School of Rock? Class dismissed.

Shuffle Along? Shuffle Along.

Heart Required? I made that one up.

Hamilton’s only likely losses will will be in categories where Hamilton is nominated against itself (i.e. for Lead Actor in a Musical, Leslie Odom, Jr. is about to get Lin-Manuel Miranover to the podium).

My name is Generic Tony Presenter*, and I come here with a problem: I know your eyeballs are going to dry up and drop out around victory number six.

(*To help aid you, visually, I am some combination of Kristen Chenoweth, Sean Hayes, and James Earl Jones. And auditorily I sound like some combination of Kristen Chenoweth, Sean Hayes, and James Earl Jones.)

So how can I, Kristen Hayes Jones, spice up what will likely be a given, on-par with a North Korean leadership election, or talking about the weather with your emotionally unavailable father?

Bring dead historical figures back to life, figuratively

We could make Tony history with actual history by requiring the winner to be accompanied by a living descendant of  character in the performance. It would be riveting television to watch a 93-year-old descendant of Thomas Jefferson learn on the spot his ancestor was in a hip-hop musical, learn what both of those terms mean, and then be asked to be thankful that he was a minor character.

First to the podium wins

Does the competition even need to be fair and square? I won’t get my hand-crusted Beacon Theatre snow globe in my gift bag if we dip below 7,000,000 viewers! Maybe an upset would keep some eyeballs. Who’s to stop me from just saying “First to the podium wins”? Zachary Levi probably has some super-spy shortcut tricks left over from Chuck.

Take the Steve Harvey approach

Think I can stretch out “And the Tony goes to…” with a pause long enough to reach commercial? And when we come back, announce the wrong winning wrong production team, apologize, say there’s been a mistake, and then repeatedly do that down the list. That would maybe make me a viral embarrassment, but I could keep my head held high knowing my popularity would surge to the level of Steve Harvey, both viral and as a general embarrassment.

Admit we’re only interested in Tony karaoke  

Speaking of hosts, what about James Corden? Maybe I could convince him to scrap the whole show and just drive an Uber around Manhattan singing the score with anyone who’s in the car? I’d get out of working the night, and based on YouTube numbers, that’s likely what the people want, anyway.

You know what? I, James Sean Chenowith, am going to just do my job. I’m going to march out there, smile, say four names, then the Hamilton one, and that one will win, and it will be great. A blockbuster is good for the industry. One that features and rewards diversity within the subject matter and theatrical composition of the production is great for the industry. And one that encourages a new and different audience to come in, be seduced by the magic of live theater, and leave inspired by the message of the man and buoyant at the prospect of the medium is marvelous for the industry, more than worth its weight in mere brass and nickel-plated medallions.

And if I do it quickly, I can return backstage to watch Game of Thrones.

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Sean Sullivan is a writer for “The Koch Brothers Mystery Show” podcast, now in its second season.