Religious Deities Respond To Charlie Hebdo Attacks

The world is abuzz after last week’s brutal events in France. Why did this happen? Who is responsible? How do we sleep in a world where religious fanatics use murder as a tool of censorship and nationalism? As a writer/performer of satire, I’ve been having a lot of conversations about this during rehearsals, over brunch, in text messages with gods, goddesses, and prophets…

Yes, you read correctly. I have text convos with religious deities (Sprint Free and Clear Plan). Don’t believe me? Here is an exchange I had with Jesus during the last Superbowl:

I asked Jesus how it feels when your followers create your image. He offered an interesting perspective:

I also checked in with Buddha. He had some fascinating things to say:

Sorry…wrong text. “Buddha” is my weed dealer. The actual Buddha is listed under his real name, Siddhartha Gautama:

I’m Hindu by birth, so I checked in with some of our gods and goddesses to see what they had to say. As usual, it was a lot of different voices making very good points:

I figured the most important deity to consult would be Mohammed the Prophet. I got his number from Louis Farrakhan (coaches my nephew’s soccer team). His reply didn’t surprise me, but it felt surreal coming from The Prophet, himself.

Neal Danade is a racially ambiguous body that writes and performs at the Annoyance and iO theaters. He holds an MFA in Writing for the Screen from Northwestern, where he is an associate professor, and he was a member of The Second City Touring Company. Watch his web series Chai Chat if you like Indians, parents or Indian parents.