Should You Get a Hoverboard?

A bird doesn’t need to be taught how to fly; you just push it out of the nest and it either figures it out, or you’ve got a lot of explaining to do for all the baby bird-pushing. When it comes to innovation and trying out new tech, we don’t always have that luxury. Nobody “forces” me to try the new iPod when it comes out--or twists my arm to test whether the new George Foreman grill does in fact meet the insane cooking standards I hold George Foreman to. So when a device as game-changing and universally applicable as the 2-wheeled portable hoverboard came out, this baby bird took a pretty deep breath.

I eventually got to ride this beast, but before I did, I was asking myself the same question anyone probably would: why would I ever have this?

After some head scratching and loss of interest, I realized the answer to that question lies in another question: what kind of person are you? Because it takes a very special brand of cowboy to ride off into the sunset on this thing.

Here are some personal profiling questions you should ask yourself if you’re seriously considering getting a hoverboard.

Do you dislike moving, but love awkwardly shifting your weight in tiny amounts?
Is the idea of “being in a hurry” a brand new concept for you?
Do you prefer floating above people to assert your dominance over making eye contact and/or human connection?
If you’re riding on the subway, is your natural standing position to face forward, without holding on to anything? Does that feel good for you?
Are you someone that never encounters stairs, ever?
Are you the real-life Marty McFly?
Do you have a spouse or significant other that isn’t judging you for even thinking about purchasing this item? Is your relationship that unshakable?
Do you have no qualms with false advertising? Like, when a title says “hover-"something, but it doesn’t *actually* hover so much as it just rolls around a little, is that all good with you? I mean, if you bought Kentucky Fried Chicken and it turned out to not be from Kentucky, nor actual chick--okay, bad example.
Are you an undercover cop just trying to catch and profile the kind of people buying this thing? Are you? If you’re a cop, I’m pretty sure you have to tell me.
Is the prospect of your transportation mode catching fire while charging in your home exciting to you? Like even after Walmart and Amazon stop selling it, and the leading company that makes it says, “please return this for a full refund; we don’t want you to burn to death,” are you super-pumped to roll the dice and go for a hover?
Do you hate yourself?
How much do you hate yourself?
Do you hate yourself enough to say, “hey, look, I just bought a hoverboard, DUHHH, DOY DOY DOY”?!
Do you PROMISE you’re not the real-life Marty McFly, or related somehow to Michael J. Fox in general?

If you answered YES to the majority of the above questions, congratulations! You’re destined for hoverboard glory. Sell your car, kiss your unreasonably-supportive loved one, and saddle up! Today is the first day of the rest of your lif--does anyone smell smoke?

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Steve Hobbs is a Toronto-based actor/comedian/writer, trained in improv and sketch writing through Second City’s Conservatory and longform programs. He’s also a past senior editor/writer for The Beaverton satiric Canadian news magazine and is best known for his work at Toronto Fringe 2014 in sketch juggernaut “Everything is Fine,” as well as with ex-Impatient Theatre Co. headliners “El Fantoma.”