Six Technologies Ruder Than How-old.net

Microsoft has taken the internet by storm with its new site How-old.net, which, using a special algorithm, can take a single picture of a fresh-faced twenty-five year old rake and tell him he looks thirty-six.

This innovation only furthers speculation that we are living at the exciting dawn of an age of asshole technology. But Microsoft isn’t the only company pushing the bounds of stupid goddamn programs that don’t know what the hell they’re talking about. Here are six technologies even ruder than that jerk the #HowOldRobot.

The ATM That Shows Your Balance After You Say “No Receipt”

The currency of today is information, which makes these ATMs excellent--because they’ll always inform you that you have no currency. Of course, they generally take a two or three dollar service fee, but never a hint. With these machines scattered throughout seemingly every damn bar your friends like, you can expect the same effective, quick customer service you would expect from an 1800s hangman who grabs the blindfold away at the last second.   

Digital Jukeboxes

Just a few years ago, they were nostalgia pieces. Jukeboxes have been revitalized with the addition of touch screens and credit card readers, becoming a conveniently fun way for the drunkest person to shanghai you and your friends into their musical mind prison. At any moment during your relaxing evening with friends, you could be suddenly swept up on a stranger’s journey to the lonesome prairie where his sweetheart done left him four times in a row.   

Tinder

Tinder is the butt of many jokes, but one serious and oft-overlooked aspect of its selection process is the sheer volume of people who must have rejected you. If they hadn’t, then the majority of your swipes would be met with matches.

But they aren’t.

That means there are hundreds and thousands of people who have consciously decided you are not attractive. It’s like looking up into the sky and seeing all those multitudes of stars and suddenly realizing the smallness of your existence. And suddenly...they’re not just indifferent; they consciously think you’re ugly. A swirling vortex of consciousnesses, larger than the mind can comprehend, each their own universe. All. Finding. You. Ugly. And all concentrated into a tiny dark star of disgust you carry in your back pocket. Rude.

The NSA’s Surveillance Programs

 The NSA’s massive data collection program monitors all internet traffic, meaning that technically, they are following you on Twitter. And yet, they have yet to re-tweet or favorite a single thing.

Rube Goldberg Machines

There’s something very show-offy and ostentatious about using Hot Wheels to hit a ball to hit the button on a fan to blow a boat to trip the switch on an alarm clock which falls off a table onto a catapult which throws a plastic Army man into the air to land in a cup of water on a scale which then tips and knocks over the first in a line of dominos which knocks a ball off a table which starts a chain of increasingly large balls which shoves a chair with a dowel taped to it which pushes a button which pops your toast up.

Ventra

We haven’t forgotten. You’re still ass garbage.

James Freetly is a graduate of the Second City Training Center Conservatory and joins the Severn Darden Graduate Program this spring. He makes up spooky tales with The Improvised Twilight Zone and spooky tweets @JHFreetly.