Sorry, Kenya: No One Gives A F*ck About You

A note from The Second City Network (4/9/2015): This is a satirical article that seeks to expose the failings of Western media, specifically American media, in their coverage of the Garissa attacks. It is the author's opinion that the attacks have received far too little of coverage in America, and we're at a crucial time when Kenya needs our full attention and support. The article is written from the point of view of the Western Media in an attempt to highlight the way American media continues to employs backwards, racist and xenophobic thinking when choosing which stories to cover.  Our hearts go out to the people and nation of Kenya as you struggle to make sense of the senseless.

To support Kenya: http://www.kenyaredcross.org

Dear Kenya,

Thank you very much for your latest submission, entitled “Garissa University Terrorist Attack.” While it was gripping, heartfelt and original, it unfortunately fails to meet the strict criteria necessary to qualify for White Concern, which disqualifies you from any and all Western Media Coverage.

Please note that we receive thousands of applicants for White Concern and Western Media Coverage each and every year, but due to the extremely finite and fleeting nature of White Concern, only a small percentage of candidates succeed in meeting all criteria for approval.    

Please do not be dismayed that we are unable to fund you with White Concern this time around. The senseless slaughter of 147 students and civilians is quite impressive. However, “Garissa University Terrorist Attack” was lacking in several key areas. We highly encourage you to work on these areas before you re-apply:

NOT ENOUGH WHITE VICTIMS

World leaders will join hands in the street and everyone will change their Facebook profile pics to a supportive message when terrorists kill a few white people (see: Charlie Hebdo attacks). When they kill Africans, even thousands of them at a time (see: Boko Haram attacks on villages near Lake Chad), it’s very hard to get Angela Merkel or the U.S. Congress to show the same support. Why? Because when victims don’t look like you, you care less. 

NO COMPELLING ECONOMIC ANGLE

Why should the U.S. care about Kenya? Kenya’s biggest exports are tea and flowers, which would be great if Americans drove Maggie Smith autobiographies instead of cars. Perhaps you can reapply when your biggest economic drivers are oil, iPads and “hop on, hop off” bus tours for old white people from Des Moines.

AL-SHABAAB IS TOO COMPLEX OF VILLAIN, HAS TOO VAGUE OF GOALS.

Are they Al-Qaeda? Are they Boko Haram? Are they a tasty skewered meat served with hummus? A 1950s doo-wop chorus? And what do they want? Do they just really hate college? That makes them every underwhelming American middle child ever. Pleaselook to ISIS or Robert Durst or Andrea Tantaros for examples of clear, concise and easily hate-able villains. 

NOT ENOUGH OFFENSIVE TWEETS

Currently, 78 percent of White Concern is applied to offensive tweets from celebrities. Perhaps next time Al-Shabaab guns down 147 civilians in an indescribable massacre, they could also hire a celebrity (someone like possessed set of novelty teeth Gary Busey or angry couch cushion Patton Oswalt) to simultaneously make offensive Trevor Noah-esque tweets about Judaism or obese women to hook Western audiences into the story. White brains get easily overloaded, which is why they are built with a special cognitive dissonance lobe that allows them to scream until they’re blue in the face about an offensive Tweet while simultaneously completely ignoring unfathomable massacres happening to brown or black people elsewhere in the world.    

NO CLEAR CONNECTION TO ‘FULL HOUSE’

Millennials are the drivers of online conversations. Nothing about the Garissa University College terrorist attack addresses the Millennial’s need to be constantly ego-stroked and awash in 90s nostalgia. A simple BuzzFeed story catered to Millennials, something titled “Garissa Explains It All” or “My So-Called Life Was Taken by Terrorists in Kenya” would’ve made the terrorist attack instantly trending. Better yet, any reference to ‘Full House’ would’ve done wonders to bring attention to the deaths of 147 Kenyan civilians. Literally the only thing Millennials care about is referencing ‘Full House.’ May we recommend BuzzFeed articles such as:

• “No Hugs From Al-Shabaab Saget”
• “Massacre in Kenya is No Lori Laughlin Matter”
• “Somali Terrorists Refuse to Have Mercy on Kenyan College”
• “Al-Shabaab: A Worse Neighbor Than Kimmy Gibbler?”
• “How Rude: Jodi Sweetin Joins Somali Jihadists”

NO ANDERSON COOPER

Whenever Anderson travels to a war-torn area and makes his classic “this is rull serious, folks” brow furrow, white people basically explode in their panties. Anderson Cooper is the intrepid Sea World employee that masturbates the giant orca penis of White Concern. Use him.

NOT ENOUGH “ASHLEY JUDD DESTROYS AL-SHABAAB WITH A SINGLE TWEET” BLOG POSTS 

White Concern has evolved to the point where white people don’t care about what actually happens– they only care about the reactions to what happens, and the reactions to the reactions. Also, they don’t care about problems actually being solved, they just want someone on their side of the argument to “destroy” the other side with a quick quip, have that moment captured in a neat you-go-girl blog post (hopefully with a crisp, hair-tossing Beyoncé GIF), and then share that blog post on Facebook and immediately forget about the issue forever.

In short, the Garissa massacre needed more Beyoncé GIFs.

If you follow these simple suggestions, Kenya, we have no doubt that Western Media audiences will flood their airwaves with White Concern about your next national tragedy and you’ll be known for something other than marathon runners and being that funny-looking word in all those racist Obama emails your crazy aunt forwards you.

Best of luck in your future endeavors/terrorist slaughters.

Cordially,

All of Western Media

John Loos (@JohnLoosWins) is a writer, teacher and facilitator at Second City. He checks June Squibb’s IMDB profile almost daily.