Surviving the TBOX Apocalypse

Public safety announcement: Chicago's annual booze-fueled holiday bar crawl TBOX is this weekend. If you’re planning on venturing out of your panic room during this apocalyptic End of Days, you must prepare accordingly. Follow the official TBOX survival guide.

Make it out alive.

Disguise yourself

If you want to travel through the hordes of Crawlers safely, you need to look and smell just like them.  To avoid visual detection, any green or red onesie, ugly Christmas sweater or elf costume with the faint smell of vomit will work. In addition, throw off their sense of smell by starting the day with a liberal dousing of Miller Lite.

Act the part

To convincingly blend in, you must act just like them. While there are many different types of Crawlers-- from the fighting types to the crying types--all of them collectively share the innate ability to detect sobriety from a mile away. To walk amongst them: stumble, incoherently slur your words, excessively dry heave your way through the crowds. They’re also attracted to silence, so it’s important to mutter “TBOX” over and over again as you traverse town.

Trust no one

If you see another *seemingly* normal sober person around, quickly out them so the crawlers take their attention off of you and more importantly so they can’t double-cross you later. After that person has taken two vodka shots and has thusly been turned into a TBOXer, take their supplies and use them to protect yourself and your group.

Carry the correct equipment

Make sure to arm yourself with a bandolier of travel-sized cereal boxes, plenty 'o Natty Ice, and an emergency flask filled with Jägermeister. If you find yourself low on ammunition, any low quality beer from Walgreens (like Big Flats) will work. Should any of the crawlers get too close--or you find yourself cornered at anytime--pull these out and throw them wildly in their direction. They’ll slug them down. No questions asked. Use this distraction to slip away quickly into the night.

Find a safe zone

Unfortunately, the entire city will be overrun by this pandemic all weekend, but there are some identified locations for sanctuary. The crawlers regularly stay at the ground level, either walking or dancing their way from pub to pub. Take the high ground in a high rise with a broken elevator or hang out within a half-mile radius of a police station, correctional facility, church or restaurant where tacos are not served.

 Ryan Nallen is an actor, writer and improviser in Chicago. He is a graduate of iO, The Second City Conservatory and the Annoyance Theater.