The New -Sexuals

Spring has sprung--and so has human fashion and sexuality! If last year was all about the Lumbersexual, the bearded straight bro in the lumberjack plaids, 2015 is all about variety. Just about everyone these days belongs to a category, because what fun is life if you can’t be boxed into a social subgroup you didn’t know existed?

Which new “-sexual” will be a big hit this year? Why not consider the following hot, trending groups:

HomoShockuals

Thank you, Aaron Schock! This is a new twist on an old favorite: the bigoted Republican closet queen. What separates this from the AirpoirtBathroomsexual (see: Larry Craig) is that the HomoShockual is younger, more physically fit and dresses like he owns an interior design business in a rapidly gentrifying ineighborhood with his hairdresser husband Mario. Yet despite the sleek Express for Men shellac, the HomoShockual claims to be straight and votes against anything that might help the LGBTQ community in any way, because YOU GOTTA THROW ‘EM OFF THE TRAIL, AMIRITE AARON?

HomoStickuals

Can be anywhere on the gender or sexual spectrum. HomoStickuals actually bought themselves a selfie stick, which is a plastic wand for boring people who think they’re wizards, but clearly would be the last people asked to go to Wizard School.

HomoStickuals buy these sticks--with money--for the express purpose of fitting more people into their brunch selfies because GOD FORBID YOU ASK THE WAITER TO TAKE A PICTURE FOR YOU. HomoStickuals have yet to figure out that literally no one cares about them, not even Jesus or Neil deGrasse Tyson. They are also the same people who are desperately convinced Pinterest is still a thing and are constantly recapping their inane daily activities on Facebook.

“Phew! A big presentation at work, then yoga, then took Sebastian for a walk and then bought some fresh apples at the farmer’s market! I deserve this! – feeling tired but blessed ☺” [insert pic of the saddest glass of wine you’ve ever seen]

LinkedInSexuals

These are annoying people whose names pop up in your email over and over again because they keep trying (and failing) to connect with you on LinkedIn. You haven’t checked that shit in over a year and sorry Tobey McMillan, douche who dated my friend Lisa a decade ago for two seconds and who was really into motocross but now is a financial planner, I WILL NEVER CONNECT WITH YOU.

NOT NOW.

NOT TWO MONTHS FROM NOW.

NOT EVER.

BECAUSE LINKEDIN IS NOT A THING, TOBEY.

YOUR LIFE IS A LIE.

They can also be randos you’ve already connected with who keep endorsing you for vague shit like “teambuilding” and “performing,” even though you’re pretty sure you’ve never met them.

Bridesexuals

The "Bridesexual" is not so much a behavior as it is a cry for help. Many women change their social media profile pics to pictures of themselves from their wedding day. That’s great. Good job, Joann.

Some, however, keep that picture their profile pic for years. And years. Or they periodically change it to other photos from their wedding day, which was held sometime back during the Ottoman Empire. Whatever the reason, they clearly haven’t had any happy moments or anything noteworthy happen to them since they got married in April 2008, so they cling to memories of the day they smiled through the pain of a corset instead of smiling through the tears of regret and insignificance. These women are all named Shawna. Or Amber. And they are not to be confused with…

Ambersexuals

You remember in Jurassic Park how mosquitos and other prehistoric critters can be trapped inside a chunk of amber for millions of years and still look the same the day they died? Well, Ambersexuals are fashion slugs who got trapped in a certain style and years later still look the exact same as they did on the day their confidence died. This is common among:

• Males in their 30s who look like they’re on their way to deejay their college radio station (hey, gigantic Farm & Fleet cargo pants you bought when you were 17!)
• Male improvisers in their 40s who still wear pale Lee jeans, brown hiking books and that hunter green Gap sweater from 1994
• Adult lesbians who look like they’re on their way to a cross country team dinner circa 1996 (hey, long-sleeved t-shirt with a high school sport schedule on the back!)

Don’t judge. Some of us just get comfortable in a moment and want to stay there forever.

Hillarysexuals

The Hillarysexual has been around since the early 90s, but just like faded floral patterns and high-waisted stonewashed jeans, this trend is BACK, BITCHES. Hillarysexuals love the concept of a female president so much that they don’t care if she’s practically a Republican, is butt buddies with Goldman Sachs and didn’t support gay marriage until like five seconds ago when it became politically beneficial. They’re also frantically trying to figure out how to get the impractical, dreamy-eyed Warrensexuals to stop worrying and learn to love the oligarchy.

RobinWrightSexuals

RobinWrightsexuals are gay men who are constantly calling Robin Wright “flawless.” They may even use a Claire Underwood handle for their Instagram, which consists mostly pictures of them eating breakfast alone with cats. They are generally sad on the inside, but not wrong. She is flawless.

Written by John Loos. Follow on twitter: @johnlooswins