Fighting the Star War on Christmas

This holiday season, people are growing evermore excited about a story featuring a sacred son with mystical powers fighting back the forces of evil with a laser sword.

I’m--of course--talking about Jesus. (The laser sword is a metaphor for forgiveness.)

Others, however, ignore the reason for the season to focus on some sci-fi nonsense about hokey religions and ancient weapons. The new Stars Wars movie is stealing attention away from the birthday boy. Our Lord and Savior may turn the other cheek, but as an internet writer, I have no choice but to blow this crisis out of proportion.

Here are a few reasons why Stars Wars is the greatest threat to the image of Christianity since whatever violent attack was most recently performed by a Christian.

There’s only so much joy to go around

The Internet. You’ll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. And yet, recently the online messaging boards have been full of...glee. Trailers for Star Wars: The Force Awakens have created a sense of euphoria able to grow the heart of even the Grinchiest geek.

Online audiences can only be happy about so many things at once. If there wasn’t a constant stream of snark, despair and complaints, social media would be solely composed of marketing and marketing disguised as pop culture quizzes. We can’t waste millennials’ limited amount of enthusiasm on a sequel-- when they could be celebrating the greatest franchise ever told.

Science and religion don’t belong in the same movie

Star Wars stands in direct opposition to conservative Christian teachings (and I’m not just talking about the numerous pieces of Han/Lando fanfic I read researching this article). The characters in these stories discuss the power of spiritual beliefs while riding around in spaceships. The Kansas school board hasn’t taught anybody much, but it *does* clearly state that science and religion cannot co-exist.

Sci-fi movies need to omit magic the same way that our Christian congress ignores accurate research data. To put the power of belief in the same narrative as feats of engineering risks stretching the audience’s imagination past the acceptable tidings of comfort.

Christmas is perfect as-is

If you think multiple family members gathering to share in a story that spans across generations can be a part of a traditional Christmas celebration, you have no idea what this season is really about.

This holiday is about spreading a message of forgiveness, love and peace. To get the information across, Christianity included numerous symbols and icons from multiple cultures….and now we’re done. We’ve summed up the story of our savior's birth as evergreen trees, a fat man in a red suit and polar bears drinking Coca-Cola. As you can see, there is simply no place for BB8.

Maybe blockbusters can try to horn in on another religious holiday. Easter’s gotten pretty dull, but I can’t imagine how Star Wars could relate to a wise, spiritual leader who was struck down and became more powerful than you could ever imagine.

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C.J. Tuor performs with the improvised drinking thriller “Hitch*Cocktails” every Friday night at The Annoyance Theatre in Chicago.