Totally Sound Medical Advice from Dr. Gwyneth Paltrow

While I’m working from home sweating out my flu in my personal infrared sauna and promoting the idea that wearing bras causes breast cancer on GOOP, I thought I’d take some time to prescribe some other health tips that are 1000% guaranteed to work for every single person alive.

xxoo

Dr. Gwyneth Paltrow

RX: Sweat It Out

If you don’t have a personal sauna in your home like I do, a retreat to the Mojave desert for 7 days and 7 nights in 120 degree heat will do the trick. Regardless of your level of sickness, rising body temperature, or amount of money in your bank account, get in a cab, get on a plane, and get to the high desert for a full mind, body, and soul cleanse.

RX: Exfoliate with Leeches

Toss your PedEgg in the compost pile and get the job done right with some locally-sourced leeches. To apply:

1. Grab a snorkel and head over to the nearest swamp.

2. Gradually submerge your entire body.

3. Wait approximately 3-6 hours for the leeches to eat away at your epidermis.

RX: Fight Acne with Lemons 

If pesky pimples (I've heard of them) have you down, snatch up a few Eureka lemons and rub them over the entirety of your face. Make sure to avoid using the nipple-end of the lemon near your eyes, as it can cause corneal scratches which are just no fun. But can be cured with straight undiluted bleach.

RX: Eggs & Coffee for Breakfast

Consume a whole egg, shell and all, for nutrients and an entire pot of Colombian coffee for energy each morning. Consuming upwards of 2g of caffeine provides the boost to keep the day going strong. Eating the egg whole just saves time.

RX: Fall Fast Asleep with Sheep

Literally count some sheep by heading down to a local farm or pumpkin patch petting zoo and purchase some sheep, ideally an entire flock or six. Allow them free roam of the bedroom while you count them out.

RX: Boost your Immune System with Rattlesnakes

Allow a rattlesnake to bite you once a day to build up your immune system. Snakes are venomous, but with each bite, your body builds up antibodies and antitoxins to fight the poison. Start with one snake and work your way up to 3-5, eventually allowing yourself to stand fully naked within a snake pit without any fear whatsoever. The constant sounds of rattlers in the house also provides a beautiful ambience... reminiscent of maracas.

RX: Cool Down in a Meat Locker 

If the Mojave Desert didn't do it for you, try standing inside a meat refrigerator for 10-15 minutes when you have the sweats or a high temperature. If you don't have a home meat locker for some reason, venture out to a local butcher and ask to stand inside theirs. The best way to initiate this conversation is by simply saying, “Excuse me, do you mind if I stand inside your meat locker?” They will nod and show you in.  *Remember, don't touch anything in there-- you're a vegetarian!!!

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Ryan Nallen is an actor, writer and improviser in Chicago. He is a graduate of iO, The Second City Conservatory and the Annoyance Theater.