Ultra Secure Hacker Prevention Tips from Mark Zuckerberg

Mark Zuckerberg covers the camera and microphone jack of his Macbook with tape. At first, I thought that’s quite kinky, but whatever he does on his own time doesn’t affect me. As it turns out, his intention was to protect himself against hackers and not for acting out fantasies with a computer.

I reached out to the 32-year-old billionaire computer whiz and he was kind enough to offer The Second City Network tips on Internet safety.

Cover your computer’s camera with tape

A simple piece of adhesive tape on your camera can go a long way. If hackers compromise your computer, they can spy on you through your webcam.

The other option besides tape would be to surf the web with your clothes on. But if you have to be naked, Zuckerberg recommends doing a few pushups, which will carry more blood flow to your muscles, making it appear bigger and denser.

“You want to look your best. You never know who’s watching,” Zuckerberg says.

Don’t do important stuff at Starbucks

A coffee shop with a public Wi-Fi network is not the place to handle any sensitive information. This means checking your bank balance or anything you wouldn’t want to share with the public—like your spec script for Peaky Blinders. At least, not until you’ve gotten the hang of the tone and structure of the show.

“Public Wi-Fi is called a 'hotspot' because you might get burned,” Zuckerberg warns. “But also be careful that you also don’t get burned if your lid isn’t tight and you pour boiling hot coffee onto your face.”

Pick a secure name for your pet

No matter how many times we have been advised not to, we will end up using our pet’s name for our password. So it’s crucial to name your dog or cat something people wouldn’t be able to guess. Try something like, “GL1138_$#” or “b00btown.” With this in mind, “Password123” is NOT a good name for a pet.

Zuckerberg adds: “I also advise changing your pet’s name every few months.”

Never watch porn on your own computer

Not when you're steps away from your roommate's computer. For those who live alone, Zuckerberg recommends befriending someone, slowly gaining their trust until they grant you access to their computing device. Then, when the time is right, betray their trust by using their computer for smut. Contrary to popular opinion, Zuckerberg suggests afterwards to not delete the browser history.

Explains Zuckerberg, “In this age of content overload, the world needs tastemakers.” 

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Ray Hui is writer and performer in Chicago, an ensemble member of Stir-Friday Night! and a 2016 Second City Bob Curry Fellow. See some of his work at rayhui.com.