We Need More Guns in Public Places

Texas governor (and NRA wet dream) Rick Perry appeared on CNN last Sunday to use a national tragedy as an excuse to pander for votes share some insights following the Lafayette theater shootings. When asked what the government could do to prevent further gun violence, Perry recommended that more patrons bring their guns to the movies.

But why stop there when there are so many other public places that could benefit from additional weaponry?

Books are the most dangerous weapons of all because they give people ideas. But do you know what can stop an idea? A GUN. With a little luck (and perseverance!) we can kill off all the ideas and let the guns do all the thinking.

Games of sport are notorious for filling arenas full of likeminded and amicable people, hell-bent on enjoying feats of athleticism and not beer. Surely a few thousand firearms can only enhance this quiet and respectful tradition!

I’m sick and tired of all creatures at daycare and animal adoption centers living off the benevolence of the hardworking, taxpaying, gun-owning public. It’s time we put these layabouts to work! Imagine the military force we could develop if we were to arm babies and puppies. And I don’t want to hear those oft repeated arguments about their frontal lobes not being fully developed/some of them not having opposable thumbs. If you can dream it, you can shoot it.

In dressing rooms. While shopping for bathing suits. LADIES, AMIRITE?

Why are we allowing all these foreign diseases to come into our country and steal our jobs? Only Americans with guns should be allowed to kill American citizens.

Just because the majority of funeral home occupants are dead does NOT mean that they are incapable of murder. THAT IS JUST WHAT THE GOVERNMENT WANTS YOU TO THINK. As we have seen in movies, dead bodies have the potential to reanimate, and when they do, you will feel far more secure armed with a gun than you would armed with the knowledge that zombies don’t exist (because they DO exist.)

Ilana Gordon is a Chicago improviser, actress and writer. You can find her published works on McSweeney's Internet Tendency, Reductress, Mashable and bathroom stall doors across America. You can follow her on Twitter and catch her web series "Real Home Workouts" here.