Welcome to Chicagtanamo

By now, you’ve heard the news. The Chicago Police Department has a secret CIA-esque “black site” called Homan Square, where they take (mosty minority) suspects to disappear for awhile, without telling anyone they’re there, without access to food, water or a lawyer, and with a fun dose of abuse because, whatever, it's no big deal.

Yes, many of our cops are brave and do a great job for our city, and yes, the CPD totally denies all of this, but if a place like Homan Square exists, then clearly someone’s balls got too big for their badge.

But why stop at a wussy-ass little warehouse where you beat up some criminals because you're a Tuff Guy from Mt. Greenwood who likes to cosplay as a CIA interrogator, and you clearly have too many buff muscles to bother with girl-cop things like speeding tickets and paper work?

Well, Mr. Zero Dark People Are Innocent In Your Eyes, here are some ideas to turn all of Chicago in an Abu Grahib/Guantanamo megacenter/paradise:

Instead of Giving Parking Tickets, Put Offenders in Black Hoods, Beat Them, Piss on Them

Chicago parking is already one of the most economically and emotionally abusive things humanity has ever come up with, so why not throw in some physical abuse as well?

I mean, why should Lynndie England and those Abu Grahib guards have had all the fun? Turn petty crime into a chance to show the world our meter maids are meter maidens of doom. Put them in a naked pyramid and take pictures with one of your fancy new military drones that you don’t have a use for yet, but you’ll figure it out because HOW FUCKING COOL ARE DRONES.

Re-Open Hot Doug's As James Clapper's Wine Bar & Char-torture-ie

Sample a plate of cheese made from the fear-tears of petty criminals and South Side minorities who cross the street wrong, then wash it down with a False Confession MicroTruth brewed with notes of hopelessness at Homan Square Brewery.

Replace Derrick Rose with an MRAP

Remember when cop cars were all Ford Crown Victorias? Now cop cars look more like Imperial Walkers. Because, you know, why settle for the perfectly fine testes the Lord gave you when you could inject saline directly into your nutsack and inflate it to the size of FUCKING BADASS?

By that, I mean replace the recently injured Chicago Bulls player with an MRAP. You know, that obscenely unnecessary vehicle you've always wanted to drive to feel extra manly and cool? But then Pentagon Claus came down your police department chimney and farted out a few of these Terminator Priuses, and your dick grew three sizes because being a cop gave you perpetual Little Brother syndrome to the ultra-badass military, who get way more NFL pre-game salutes than you?

Five seconds with an MRAP on the court, and the entire Miami Heat would be dead. And then everyone would know, once and for all, that Chicago PD's testicles are bigger than Maggie Daley Park.

Replace School Boards with School Water Boards

Why stop at shutting down 50 public schools in mostly minority neighborhoods, Rahm? Just do what's truly in your heart: throw a huge hedge fund party with a bunch of billionaire hedge fund managers and their coke and hookers, and then bring in minority school children to be water boarded for their entertainment.

And then have a ball-measuring contest that ends in laughter, because of course it ends in a tie because every hedge fund manager's balls are infinity inches in diameter.

Monitor Dibs with Snipers

Because American Sniper was so fucking cool. We should do that more.

Rename Willis Tower "The Giant Cock of Mordor"

Because if we’re going to be an evil city, we might as well be transparent about it.