What Mom Really Wants for Mother’s Day

This weekend marks the one day a year when you celebrate the woman who gave you life. As a member of two elite clubs (the “Am a Mom” and “Have a Mom” sororities), I can tell you what your mother does not, not, not, not, not want you to give her for Mother’s Day.

For the love of God, if you come anywhere near us with a Pandora® charm bracelet from Jared®, you’re going up for Adoption®.

Please don't purchase:

The volleyball charm
The soccer ball charm
The lacrosse charm
The doggy bone charm
And especially not this charm:

mom

Be a dear; don't force your mom to dangle any of the above uglies from her wrist out of sheer obligation.

Need a last-minute gift idea? Here’s what your mom really wants for Mother’s Day.

To see the movie Neighbors. In slow motion. Just one ticket, please.

zac

For Mad Men to be less boring this season. PEGGY, UNCROSS YOUR ARMS JUST FOR A SEC.

Less attention paid to “craft beer,” more research invested in “craft Skittles.”

To erase all memories of Matt Damon post-2012, the year the whole “Dad” thing caught up with him. He just looks like someone who would make an embarrassing pun to the waitress at Denny’s now.

damon

To just agree that we can all collectively cancel our Pinterest accounts on the count of three. It’s not fun anymore.

For someone to pull the plug on Grey’s Anatomy. Remember that show? That your mom’s mom loves? It’s still on. And no one wants to inherit a Shonda Rhimes one-hour procedural in the will.