What to Expect When You’re Expecting a New President

So your second-term President is finishing up his last two years in office! CONGRATULATIONS! This is a time that many young couples— um, I mean, constituents—look forward to. Below are a few stages of this very special time that you can expect from your current president when you’re expecting a new commander-in-chief in 2016.

Ass-Kicking (Heart) Burns

As a second-term President prepares to leave office, he (not “she,” let’s not kid ourselves) may begin to speak his mind in the form of really kick-ass burns. For example, during the most recent State of the Union, President Barack Obama responded to Republican naysayers by stating, “I have no more campaigns to run. I know, because I won both of them.” KICK. ASS. BURN. Who doesn’t heart that?

An Increase in Activity

You may have a tough time ignoring the fact that your ever-restless president is becoming more active. He’s passing all the laws he wants to! He’s telling Congress that they’re lazy! He’s even trying to convince America to make the first two years of community college free for students! HE’S DOING THINGS. This is the period of his presidency where you’ll remember why you put your body through the discomfort and disappointment of those first six years.

Weight Gain

It’s likely that your president will gain weight over the end of his presidency. He may feel a bit depressed about his legacy, or perhaps he’s sick of eating organic produce out of Michelle’s garden (not a euphemism). As your president begins to pack on the pounds, please refrain from poking fun at him. The last thing we need is another president trying to express his feelings through painting.

More Aches and Pains

As your president nears his final months, his lower back and pelvis will most likely begin to ache due to the insane pressures he has endured over the past six years. It also might become difficult for your president to sit or stand for long periods of time, since he’s getting straight fucked in the ass by the Republican-controlled Congress so often.

A Certain Glow

“Oh my God, I’m almost done,” President Obama thinks before he brushes his teeth at night. “Soon I’ll be able to drink, smoke and live my life without that constant feeling of nausea. I won’t have to deal with complete strangers rubbing my belly—um, I mean, telling me what to do— or look at John Boehner’s long orange face ever again. I’m almost free. Almost there. I’m so—”

The president spills a glass of water.

It is time.

Kristina Felske is a writer, actor and improviser currently living in Los Angeles. She is an editor and regular contributor to the humor site The Other Otter and has a performance-y resume posted on kristinafelske.com. You can tweet her @kristinafelske.