Which Apple Watch Fits Your Superhero Needs?

First off, thank you. If you’re the kind of person that needs a wrist communicator, then you clearly have a secret identity and are keeping us all safe from dangers we’re happier not knowing about. So if at any point you dash mysteriously out of the room, don’t worry… I’m cool.  But to help you keep us safe from– the… Worm People?  (No, sorry. You don’t have to tell me.) To help you keep us safe, I’ve matched all three versions of the Apple Watch against three scenarios you probably come up against all the time in your super-awesome secret hero work. I bet it’s Worm People.

A GIANT MONSTER IS ATTACKING THE CITY

Apple Sport: You want to call on your giant fighting robot as fast as possible. The Sport is perfect for that because its band is made of rubber, so unlike the other watches, it can go fast. It also features the same ion-treated glass as the iPhone. If, for some reason, you can’t summon your robot fast enough (despite the rubber sport band), you have a fast weapon made of sharp broken glass on your wrist you can fight monsters with.

Apple Watch: Unlike the Sport, this watch has a sapphire crystal protective layer over the display to prevent damage. That’s right. The “Sport” watch is more breakable than the regular one. So forget this watch. No sharp back-up monster fighting weapons here.

Apple Watch Edition: This 18-karat gold watch costs upwards of $10,000. Just have your butler pilot your giant fighting robot. What? You can’t contact him because your 18-karat gold watch got stolen? Well, maybe the real monster was the crime and poverty in Chicago because of the unequal distribution of wealth… or Worm People.

YOUR SIDEKICK BEING HELD HOSTAGE IN A WAREHOUSE

Apple Sport: What? He is? Geez, that’s terrible! Well, hey, should the worst happen, I’m here for you. Also, I have this cape and – what? The watch? Oh. Yeah. He can send a recording of his heartbeat to your watch to show he’s alive. You’re right. This IS the only context where that’s not super weird or super pretentious.

Apple Watch: Oh, he’s alive? Cool… cool. Well, I bet he could cut the ropes off with the broken glass of his watch, but like I said, this one has a sapphire crystal protect- … it broke just as easily? Of course it did. Well, great. Hope you two have so much fun fighting worms together.

Apple Watch Edition: If you have a $10,000 dollar watch, you could just pay the hostage taker. You can do that on the watch, you know? Apple Pay, people. Maybe you should just do that anyway. He probably spent a lot of money abducting your young ward. Renting a warehouse is probably super expensive. He probably would have made a better sidekick. Whatever.

THERE’S A TIME VORTEX BOMB ON THE OTHER SIDE OF TOWN

Apple Sport: Welp, alright, Sporty. Better get running. You can make it because you love sports, right? You didn’t just get the Sport watch because it was the cheap one, right? That’d be weird. Getting the cheapest version of something with no clear purpose, other than being a status symbol… shouldn’t you be running already?

Apple Watch: Oh, look. It’s got Apple Maps. According to this, the time vortex bomb is in the Chicago River. Here’s a hint: It’s not. Apple Maps blows.

Apple Watch Edition: How do I know it’s not in the river? Maybe because I’m behind it! Because I would have made a great sidekick! Because all I did was think you were awesome, with your super cool secret hero life, as made evident by what would otherwise be a smaller, crappier iPhone, and you rejected me! Well, no more! At last I – wait. You can get an Uber on that thing? No, hey, don’t. Come back. Damn, I hate rich people… maybe more than Worm People.

James Freetly is a graduate of the Second City Training Center Conservatory and joins the Severn Darden Graduate Program this spring. He makes up spooky tales with The Improvised Twilight Zone and spooky tweets @JHFreetly.