You Won't Believe Which Celebs Were Busted on Ashley Madison!

When news broke that American family man Josh Duggar was included in the countless male cheaters outed by the recent Ashley Madison hack, I was not surprised. However, I searched for a few teachers I had in middle school and found evidence that left me aghast. Is the universal ideal of male fidelity really dead?! Read these names and I think you'll agree: it is. Take a second to think about these perverts and you'll see that their lecherous behavior was under our noses the whole time...

Pope Francis (aka Jorge Mario Bergoglio)

Unlike his predecessors, this pope doesn't have a Pope Mobile. Ever wonder why?? According to interviews, he claims that in his old age, that he has nothing to lose. If someone harms him, he has lived a long fruitful life of service to the people. Also, it keeps him from getting close to the people. A-HA! There's the rub. Think about it: it's a lot easier to be a freak when you don't have a 4-inch piece of plexiglass between you and the ladies (aka "Papal birth control").  Not such a dope pope, after all.

Steven "Steve" Urkel

"Did I do that???" Yes, you did, Urkel, and "that" wasn't Laura Winslow. A nerd like Urkel would be the only person to know how to use a cheating website in the 90s. I'm sure he invented the thing (pretty dumb to hang around Carl Winslow, a Chicago cop who would have BEAT YO ASS if he knew this was going on...well, either BEAT YO ASS or have a serious heart-to-heart in the kitchen). I would have expected this from Urkel's alter-ego, "Stephan," but it turns out he's a much better man. Stephan blogs for ISIS.

Elmo

"Tickle me..." 'Nuff said.

Heinz Ketchup

The other day, I had a BBQ and ran out of ketchup. "I could have sworn I bought some," I thought to my brown-skinned self. I went to a little girl's birthday party down the street, and LO AND BEHOLD THERE IT WAS, laying on hotdogs. Being eaten by MILFs. From now on, I'm only using Hunt's ketchup...but let's be honest, Hunt's is also constantly cruising for c*nts. Sure, mustard cheats, too, but all it does is French's.

Me

Wait, what?! No way! I've never cheated in my life! Also, I'm not a celebrity (unless you follow Wisconsin lottery commercials). OK, fine. I had a profile on Ashley Madison, but I used a pseudonym: President Barack Obama.

Neal Danade writes and performs at the Annoyance and iO theaters. He holds an MFA in Writing for the Screen from Northwestern, where he is an associate professor, and was a member of The Second City Touring Company. Watch his web series Chai Chat if you like Indians, parents or Indian parents.