Vote, Even If You Don't Want To

If you’ve lost faith in the entire U.S. population because of the recent caucus results … good news! Most of the public didn’t even vote!

Only a fraction of your fellow Americans use the primary to make their voices heard. In 2012, roughly 15 percent of eligible voters cast a ballot and it was double that in 2008, when President Obama was making his first run for the White House, according to the Pew Research Center.

Translation: Don’t assume people are stupid when they’re actually just lazy. That would be like hating the Avengers because they’re all women (a position a few of the candidates probably hold).

But maybe I’m the one who’s being judgmental and handsome. Maybe you have a perfectly good reasons for not voting. But I’ve heard all the excuses, and they’re not good enough. So here’s how you can overcome even the most trying Election Day obstacles on Tuesday.

Excuse #1: I don’t like any of the candidates

The people who formed our government are much like her majesty Taylor Swift: They did their best work after a massive breakup, they’re white and they left multiple blank spaces.

If you don’t like any of the available candidates in the race, you can write in any name you want! If 50 percent of the population submits various fast food mascots as their choice for president, it will give decision-makers insight into the mind of the public much better than silence ever could.

Excuse #2: I can’t get time off from work

Some people work three jobs, and this is a valid excuse. For them. Other people, however, often sneak out at lunch to buy new iPhones, so they’re used to waiting in long lines during the day for very small incremental changes.

Yes, companies should make allowances for Election Day, but until all of them do, it’s up to you. St. Patrick's Day isn’t a recognized federal holiday, but that doesn’t stop people from taking the time to make their opinions about half-priced shots heard.

Excuse #3: I already voted through Facebook

Interesting tidbit: Sharing memes about politicians isn’t actually recognized by the Electoral College. So no matter how socially engaged you are, neither the DNC nor the GOP will heart your post.

Excuse #4: I’m just not informed enough

If you do the *slightest* amount of research about each candidate and their positions, you’ll be more knowledgeable than most voters/correspondents. Where can you find the right information? There’s a lot of bias out there, so a good rule of thumb is to find the news site that angers you the most and the one that does the least to challenge your worldview. The truth is probably somewhere in the middle.

Excuse #5: It won’t change anything

Here’s the weird thing ... when you submit a vote, somebody counts it. But what does one vote matter? One. It counts as one. We can make all the excuses in the world about delegates, confusing paperwork and being unable to find a polling place because I forgot to pay my Google bill.

In the end, they're all still excuses, and those are the things that really won’t count.

This article also appear in RedEye Chicago.

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C.J. Tuor performs with the improvised drinking thriller “Hitch*Cocktails” every Friday night at The Annoyance Theatre in Chicago. 

Image via Flickr