I Hope the Black People in Baton Rouge Can Swim Like Lochte

Recently, the American news cycle has been flooded with…well, news! Ba-dum-bum!  Four U.S. swim team members (including twelve-time medalist Ryan Lochte) admitted they lied about being robbed at gunpoint in Rio, and America is in-vest-ed. There have been think pieces galore discussing their white privilege, major outlets dedicating precious minutes of airtime to the massive flooding in Louisiana, cough, cough….massive flooding in Louisiana…cough, cough.

Sorry, I got distracted.

Anywho, Olympian Ryan Lochte and three of his buddies urinated on a bathroom wall, and when one of them got locked in the stall, they kicked the door in. To cover up their drunken debacle, they claimed to have been robbed at gunpoint. Those men cried wolf while there was massive flooding happening in Louisiana so disastrous that it has been named the worst natural disaster since Superstorm Sandy.  6,900,000,000,000 gallons of rain in one week!

I know you’re in a hurry, but that’s 6.9 trillion gallons of water. 

That’s enough water to fill so many Olympic-sized pools full of adult White men embarrassing their country and abusing their privilege in a nation made up of predominantly Brown people. 

But more importantly, ahem, before I was so rudely interrupted by the desperation of a state riddled with a history of being ignored during natural disasters, back to Ryan Lochte, who has gone on record stating that he is sorry for not “being more careful or candid” about how he lied, cough, cough—sorry—“described” the events that occurred at the gas station. 

Now, all I’m saying is he has denied any actual wrongdoing by apologizing for getting caught, so can we please forgive him because he is White? And was just being a 32-year-old “kid”? And focus on the massive flooding in Louisiana? If anything, Ryan Lochte could help those folks— because the way things are going, everyone is going to have to just keep swimming.

I sure hope all those Black people know how to swim. You know what they say about Black folks and swimmin’.

USA. USA. USA.

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Shantira Jackson will be appearing this fall in the 105th Second City Mainstage revue. Tweet @Tira_son or like pics on Instagram at shantira87.