You’d Think the Homeless and Indigent of Brazil Would Have More Respect

Dear Poor and Indigent of Brazil,

I write you this letter from a position of great concern upon my Novus Zero Gravity Recliner.  As you are aware, this month your nation will be hosting the greatest sporting tradition known to man, the Summer Olympics.  I must say that I am a bit perturbed by your lack of enthusiasm for this magnificent event. That I will watch on my Panasonic 152-inch plasma television.

I have decided to impart some valuable lessons on how to properly behave in order to make my experience watching the games better.

First, respect the Olympic traditions, one of the greatest being the building of stadiums that look great on TV, particularly plasmas like mine. How’s the torch lighting ceremony going to look in HD-- when I can see every crack  and slab-dab paint job in some old stadium filled with “cultural significance” like the Maracaná? I might get distracted and choke on a gourmet Pop-Tart, which happens more often then you’d think in a recliner.

Second, it’s about the people. When I think of the Olympics, I’m not thinking about poor Brazilians. I’m thinking about world-class athletes breaking world records while I’m eating the Tapatío Hot Sauce flavored Doritos I ordered off the Internet. Sorry, but if I wanted to learn more about you or your culture, Brazil, I’d watch a Carmen Miranda film on Turner Classic Movies at two in the morning after I’ve drank like seven Long Island Iced Teas. You know, to take the edge off the Tapatío.

Third, stop the dead bodies from washing up on the beach volleyball courts. How do you think Brooke Sweat will respond if she sees body parts on her court?  Imagine if she underperforms? Do you really want that on your conscience-- or, even worse, on my plasma TV? Shame on you, Brazilians, for dumping bodies in the ocean.  And if it’s your own body, double shame on you. Body parts and plasma screens can make for a gruesome spectacle, especially while you’re trying to eat a vegan nut chorizo burrito at a less-than-optimal eating angle.

Fourth, support your government and don’t protest. I know you had a “coup” a couple of months ago, but that’s neither here nor there when it comes to my viewing experience. Also, aside from the fact that it prevents you from busing the homeless out of town, don’t let the lack of gasoline in Rio get you down. I’ll give you an example from which to learn:

Tonight, I drove to a restaurant a quarter of a mile of from my house, but when I arrived, there were no available parking spots. After a half hour of driving around the lot, I was able to score a space. You see, patience is a virtue, especially when there is a dearth of a valuable resource, like parking spaces.

Finally, remember, poor of Brazil, there are makers and takers in the world. And if you take my Olympics to the Southern Hemisphere, make sure they look good on my television.  Lord knows, I don’t want to hear about crime, starvation, or Zika while I’m chowing down on leftovers from Fogo de Chão. Man, those Brazilian places give you so much meat. I’ll probably throw half this food away.

Now it’s time to fade into the background, homeless and indigent of Brazil, and allow me the opportunity to watch the Olympics and cast judgment upon your nation in peace.

Sincerely,

Burt Smiley
Ten-Time Olympic Spectator, Television Division

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Stephen Allen is a writer who lives in California and drinks unhealthy amounts of Kombucha.