Chicago's Rat Crisis Solution Should Actually Just Be Weasels

Mayor Emanuel recently revealed his rather “chilling” plan to solve Chicago’s rat crisis: dry ice. The substance, when buried in enclosed places, fills the space with carbon dioxide and suffocates the rats and their little rat families in a diabolical plot worthy of a Batman villain.

It’s horrible.

After PETA voiced its concerns, the mayor quickly clarified that he’s only going after the mean ones—the rats that scare you or bite children in their sleep. But there is a much simpler and more natural way of resolving the city’s ever-growing rat population:

Weasels!

They have a bad rap in film and literature, constantly portrayed as sneaky or conniving. But c’mon! The bloodthirsty little animals fit right into our city. Here’s why they’re the rat-murdering heroes we need.

Duh … they eat rats

The Weasel Diet is all-rodent. They consume hundreds of them per year. In fact, weasels typically kill more than they need to because they anticipate having to supply food for their weekly weasel get-togethers. Also, by consuming the whole rat, they’re saving Streets and San the extra step of cleaning up dead rat-sicles. And that whole “snout-to-tail” thing is all the rage at places like Purple Pig.

Duke of Weaselton, not Elsa 

Freezing powers come with a lot of baggage, if Disney's "Frozen" is any indication of what happens in real life. But weasel powers? Their sleek and slender bodies will enable them to dig deep into the innermost crevices of the city’s bowels to catch their prey. Razor-sharp claws allow them to shred their way through the city’s increasing piles of tax documents in search of those pesky rats. (Also, the city will save on document destruction costs.)

Chicago is cold enough already

Dry ice is cold. Like, super cold. So cold that if you touch it or try to play cold potato with it, you’ll get frostbite. Dispensing it all over the city and burying it beneath the surface is going to freeze Chicago from the ground up. Chicagoans already have to deal with Hoth-like winters, and record levels of snow are expected this year. With dry ice added to the mix, we’re looking at temperatures around minus-109.3 degrees Fahrenheit. Weasels have no direct impact on the weather. In fact, they’re pretty darn warm and snuggly.

They’re so darn cute 

I think I can speak on behalf of everyone in the city when I say we don’t want an enormous underground iceberg forming. We all saw “Titanic.” But oodles of fuzzy weasels? Cute. Should the city’s weasel population grow too large? Just add kittens that’ll grow up into weasel-hunting cats. All the way up the adorable food chain, baby!

Problem solved.

This post also appears at redeyechicago.com

_____________________________________________________________

Ryan Nallen (@theRyanNallen) is an actor, writer and improviser in Chicago. Check out his website at ryannallen.com.