Great, Now We’re All Thinking About Having Sex with Ted Cruz

Famously reliable news source the National Enquirer ran a story this week claiming Ted Cruz has had (at least) five mistresses. Many folks are sure that Donald Trump is behind the story, while others believe it came from Marco Rubio’s camp.

Well, whoever started it, one thing is for sure: now we’re all thinking about having sex with Ted Cruz.

The Republican presidential hopeful quickly sidestepped the rumors, saying the accusations are “garbage,” crushing my hopes of EVER getting a piece of that. Sigh.

Instead, I’ll just have to hope that one day I can sex up some other man who is just one squiggly mustache and yellow hat away from being Wario. I just wanna run my fingers through that thick, dark, NATURAL hair (***cough cough Donald Trump cough cough***).

The race for the nomination has, over time, gotten dirtier--something I wish I could say about my relationship with Teddy Boy. But no. I’ll just be over here pining after a man for whom “square” describes both his facial features and his social life. Repeal Obamacare? What about repealing some of those ill-fitting polyester shrouds he calls suits?

I mean, Senator Cruz is a stone tepid fox. Inasmuch as his eyes are so, so beady and his ears are disproportionately large on his head. Rrrrowwwr. He may be opposed to raising the minimum wage, but if we’re ever in a room together? It’s not the *wages* that anyone will have to worry about going up, let me tell you.

Sorry, I’m getting a little distracted just thinking about dat chin. I mean, it comes out of NOWHERE. Just like a heart attack. A sexy, Canadian-born heart attack. What, am I supposed to NOT long for the embrace of a man who looks like a sloth had sex with the 1950s?

I can only dream that, one day, he will see me standing there in the crowd. Our eyes will lock.  And after he’s done telling the people of American about his plan to completely get rid of the IRS, he’ll find me. Waiting. Maybe we’ll talk for a bit… and he’ll seduce me with a few sweet promises of having police patrol Muslim neighborhoods. Be still, my radicalized heart.

Next thing you know, we’re back at my place where we shift in Cruz control all night long. If I’m lucky, I might even bear his child, and if I’m even luckier, that child will grow up to be another man who looks like a thinner Kevin from The Office. Because if he did impregnate me, I would obviously have to carry the pregnancy to term, as his views on abortion are very clear.

Not that I would even have a chance with him, ohmyGod, could you imagine?!! He’s just dripping with attractive qualities from his head to his (I assume) webbed toes.

A girl (not a man, because gay marriage is a "crisis," while Ted-Heidi marriage is more of just an inconvenience) can dream. An affair with Ted Cruz? I wish.

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Maggie Smith (@THEJudiDench) is a Chicago-based writer and improviser. She performs at ComedySportz, iO and The Annoyance.