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Much like Dr. House or my 4-year-old niece sitting down at a Monopoly board, Dr. Jill Stein doesn’t play by the rules. She’s the Green Party candidate for president, a Harvard-educated medical doctor and a former political activist. I say "former," because in recent years she’s been much more political than active in her appreciation of medical research.
Over the course of her campaign, Dr. Stein has grown increasingly open-minded about including everybody’s personal opinions when debating lab results in an effort to court the vote of people who take biology lessons from Jenny McCarthy and The X-Files.
Here are four suggestions for parents who want to keep their kids healthy enough to hold up a campaign poster, based on Dr. Stein’s most recent public addresses:
Sit and debate; don’t vaccinate!
Dr. Stein has called certain proven medical results into question, especially in regards to children’s health. Some call this anti-science, others call it fear-mongering, Donald Trump calls it "Tuesday."
If, for some reason, you're curious about how susceptible your child is to polio, you may follow Dr. Stein’s example and go back and forth on whether or not vaccines are dangerous. She’s claimed to support them--but also that they may contain toxins and the FDA is getting rich off of healthy children.
Don’t be too hasty in vaccinating your students! Nostalgia is very big right now, so the worst-case scenario is kids dying from curable diseases becoming the next trendy throwback.
Don’t let your greens mess with your genes!
While most organizations agree that the majority of GMOs are safe and important for feeding a hungry world, the candidate has brought up sources saying they mess with kids’ DNA. Who are these sources? How does it affect our biology? Could celery give your daughter heat vision? You’ll have to elect Dr. Stein to find out!
Parents, you should pack your own kid's lunch and only include foods you grow and slaughter yourself. Make sure not to include any dangerous chemicals, like sodium chloride and hydrogen dioxide.
Say bye-bye to WiFi!
In an even more shocking public address, Dr. Stein warned that children could possibly be hurt by wireless internet….beams? Rays? I’m not a doctor, so I don’t know the exact science words. Point is, she indicated it could harm your kids' brains and may even cause death and further studies are needed on the scourge of WiFi.
To be absolutely safe, don’t let your kids anywhere near a place there is a Wi-Fi system. This means you’ll need to homeschool them in a fairly deep bunker. Look for warning signs that the internet is flowing through them, such as LOLing too loudly or getting over emoticonal.
You should run, just for fun!
Exercise is important, but you don’t want to do too much, too fast. Jill Stein--and the rest of the Green Party--advise running at a dead sprint every four years. Spend the entire time pointing out the poor running form of other people in the race.
Ditch gym class and just enter your kids in Iron Man competitions. You don’t want your your little ones to start small, build up muscle and then run major events when they actually have a chance of completing them. They should be like the Green Party--only making a big effort when the entire world is watching. Some people call this marketing instead of leadership; others call it voter disruption. Trump calls it his primary strategy for victory.
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