Happy St. Patrick’s Day From The Year 2019

By Pete “Sully” O’Brien

Whoa! Greetings from 2019! Believe it or not, St. Patty’s Day here in Chicago is the craziest it’s ever been!

Haha. WOOO!

St. Pat’s is a huge deal now, you guys. Since Dear Leader has a golf course in Ireland, he wants all of us (white guys) to ball out right here in the USA. He had the CPD block off everything east of Rush Street and west of Wabash so that all of us (white guys) could party together in one place and get Bud Light from the same hotel bar. It’s a little crowded, but I love hangin’ out with my brahs...

So ERIN GO BRAH, amIright?

This year, the festivities kicked off earlier than they used to. Since the EPA was dismantled a couple of years back, we don’t need to dye the river anymore--it’s already green all of the time! It’s like it’s St. Pat’s all year long. Thanks, Former Chancellor Bannon! Plus, the weather is perfect for partying-- it’s 78 degrees in March, and I’m not scared of what that means!

Even though some stuff has changed, a lot has stayed the same. People still wear green. Green is the color of money, and the real skin shade of the lizard people that run our government! CHYEAH! I bought me and my boys some dope shamrock swag with one of my little brother’s education vouchers. But he doesn’t need it….he already knows dinosaurs ain’t real!

Once we’re done here in River North, we’ll puke on the train on our way to Rickettsville  and try to make it onto the police blog. That’s the same as it EVER was. But what sucks now is that it’s just dudes partying. Women don’t really go out on big holidays anymore since sexual assault is legal, and people really take advantage of that. On the one hand, I’m like, wow, I hope I meet someone special someday, but on the other hand, it’s like, I can still have fun screaming and punching my buddies in the dick, you know? I just hope this behavior (mine *and* the government’s) is sustainable.

Oh, and the only other thing that’s different is that we don’t drink beer and whiskey anymore.

It’s all green Russian vodka.

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Julie Marchiano (@juliemarchiano) is an alumna of The Second City e.t.c.