21st Century American History Volume II

Chapter 13: The Confirmation of Betsy DiVos

In the year 2017, when the Empire’s Holy Truth Minister was called the “Secretary of Education,” a champion arose from the hardships of privilege. This chapter will detail how Betsy DeVas overcame adversity and reason to become God’s (See: Trump’s) chosen purveyor of “truth” and vouchers.

Section 13.1: Qualifications

Elisabeth Dee "Betsy" DiVas’s biography reads like a classic underdog story. The daughter of billionaire industrialists, she went to the best Christian private schools and graduated with degrees in Business Administration and Political Science (See: The only legal form of science). She would be the perfect candidate to ensure all children* would get an education just like hers: well-funded, religious and irrelevant to a future career.

The era’s crooked media refused to show how her lack of experience with teachers and students made her the perfect impartial mediator. Instead, they tried to insult her generosity. The fact that her family gave to many Republican officials just demonstrated that kindness is rewarded with really, really unbelievable opportunities.

*White children, that is.

Discussion Question: If the dishonest media reports “0” terrorists attacks occurred in America during a given week, how many massacres actually took place?

Section 13.2: Confirmation Hearing

During this time, the enemy (See: Democrats) impotently tried to show Betsy DyVos’s weaknesses by asking her the simplest, and therefore most crafty, questions about education. DeeVos remained defiant, refusing to answer questions correctly...or at all.

The fact that she could not make sense of the current school regulations, showed how unnecessarily complex and inclusive they were. The cacophony of statutes and legal mumbo-jumbo prevented the country from hearing what DeVoss wanted for the youth of America:

• To protect children from bears, arming all teachers and eliminating the EPA
• To ensure answers to math problems remain open to debate
• To abolish liberal snowflakes who coddle bullied and/or special needs students
• To abolish literal snowflakes through, once again, eliminating the EPA
• To giving each state the power to decide which citizens deserve education

Section 13.7: The Vote

On that historic day, every single Democrat, and two Democrats disguised as Republicans, fought with all their might to prevent DeVo from achieving her rightful position. They were slain in battle by the mighty Pence and his objection-melting smirk.

It was the first time in American history that the Vice President was required to cast a vote for a Cabinet pick, which shows how popular a candidate she was. With only party subordination and millions of dollars on her side, D’Vos became the head of a department she would soon destroy (See: improve).

Discussion Question: If Jill Stein blames democrats for Bitsy DeVos’s nomination, why would anybody listen to her?

Section 13.4: Historical Significance

The ultimate result of the Detsy BeVos Confirmation of 2017 was freedom. From that day forward, American students gained the freedom to choose between going to a religious school or paying for their own desks. They gained the freedom to choose their religion, as well. They could be Christian, or they could be wrong.

Ultimate truths taught by new education system:

• Jesus created the universe
• Dinosaurs, global warming and Elizabeth Warren never existed
• Jesus was a business major who wanted extreme vetting for immigrants. (See: Mathew 25: “I was a stranger and you were right to be suspicious”).
• Vaccines cause Liberalism
• President Donald J. Trump was a very popular man, with huge crowds/hands and a soul

Discussion Question: Can you find all the typos in this chapter? If you can, nobody cares, because what is in our hearts is more important than our words. And also grammar and spelling.

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C.J. Tuor is a frequent contributor to The Second City Network. He is a founding member of “Hitch*Cocktails” at The Annoyance Theater and “Clued In: An Improvised Murder Mystery” at Judy’s Beat Lounge.