Ides of March 2016 Predictions from a Fairly Reliable Soothsayer

March 15th is an especially big deal this year. Not only is it the date of the Illinois Primary Election, but it’s also the Ides of March-- a Roman holiday celebrating the power of Jupiter over the Universe, as well as a celebration of spring’s arrival. It was also the day when Julius Caesar was assassinated, supposedly after being warned by a creepy old fortune teller.

Well, he’s back. Behold these Ides of March 2016 predictions from a Fairly Reliable Soothsayer.

When Apollo’s chariot carries the sun high in the sky, thou shalt miss thine lunch hour whilst waiting to vote and standing in line.

The media says he’s got no electability, but your yearning for Bernie vibrates electrically

If it doth come to pass that Ted Cruz is elected, he’ll replace all birth control with nothing that’s been medically tested

Doubt looming ever-present as the hanging chad; hope you didn’t accidentally vote for Trump. That would be bad.

As November 8th creeps nearer and nearer, Hillary’s plans to eat salad will fade, as cheesy breadsticks and Twizzlers will seem dearer

The change you thought you voted for shan’t come to pass; Congressional incompetence is the only thing that lasts

Obama couldn’t accomplish half of what you wanted, but you’ll continue to wish a third term will get plotted

If voting you doth protest, the guilt of what happens next is upon only your chest

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Amy Young is an improviser, actress and writer based in Chicago.