An Invitation to Paul Ryan's Super Sad Election Night Party

What: Join me, Paul “No Nicknames, Please” Ryan, on November 8th, 2016 to watch the results of this historic election. Perhaps you’re thinking that a party hosted by a moralistic square will be no fun, but if I’ve shown you anything this election season, it’s that I never let my principles get in the way of a raging party.

You’ll delight in my all-American party games, including:

• Drink Every Time Brit Hume Slut Shames One of Trump’s Victims
• Seven Minutes in Heaven (We talk about God and heaven for 7 minutes)
• Rock-Paper-Scissors: If you’re rich enough, you always win!
• Guess the Weight of the Burden I Bear for Endorsing Trump (Hint: It's a lot!)

Who: My party is inclusive--All Americans* are welcome, including Americans that exclude other Americans. You get it, right?

*Except the Freedom Caucus. Yes, I rode in on a burning wave of their nativist support, but they’ve cooled on me since “I wouldn’t endorse Trump,” then “I endorsed Trump,” then “I tried to back away from my endorsement.” But who needs them? I mean, technically I do if I want to get anything done in Congress. But political office is about ideas, not about doing stuff... and also Nancy Pelosi. She gets my goat.

Where: Janesville, Wisconsin. When you enter my tasteful mansion, take a left at the busts of Ronald Reagan and Ayn Rand ogling each other lovingly and you’ll arrive at my “man cave” (which is what I call my wood-paneled library, but also there are actual bats).

What to Bring: We’ll have plenty of food, but feel free to BYO half-baked ideas about cutting food subsidies and “science.” If you’re thirsty, I’ll be serving up my signature cocktail: Trump Vodka...with bitters.

Other FAQs

Q: Whose party IS this?

A: MINE. It’s mine. I control this house. This party is mine. Stop asking me that.

See you November 8^th!

(Also, Ted Cruz hasn’t been returning my texts, so if you see him, please let him know about my shindig.)

_________________________________________________________

Jessica Besser-Rosenberg is a Chicago-based writer, improviser and stand-up comedian who performs regularly at iO. Follow her at @JessGBR.