These Lesser-Know Award Shows Are Every Bit As Unbiased As The Oscars

Ah, Oscar season. That exciting time of year when a group of moviemakers gets together and decides that movies about movies are the best movies and we’re all surprised and offended. But we can’t help ourselves because the red carpet! Podium bits! Zac Efron will inexplicably be prominent! So, while you’re at it, go ahead and enjoy these lesser-known award shows, too!

The Starbucks Presents Bev Awards

This year’s nominees for Best Drink are orange juice, Thai iced tea, Malört and coffee. I dunno, guys! Orange juice does have all the vitamin C! What will Starbucks pick?! They wouldn’t pick coffee, right? That’d be like when last year the Academy voted that a movie about writers (Spotlight) was more significant than a movie about financial greed (The Big Short) while a fascist businessman ran for president.

The American Pizza Council Mozza-Ball

A. The American Pizza Council is a real thing.

B. This year’s nominees for Best Cuisine are: Cajun, Indian, Breakfast and Pizza. OMG, which will win?! Will it be like when the Academy gave Best Picture to a movie about a movie star (Birdman) instead of black rights (Selma) the same year the Black Lives Matter movement got underway?!

The Transport Globes by Honda

Will Boats take home the prize of Best Mode of Transit!? Not a chance! It’s gonna be cars! Like when Argo, a movie about a fake movie, won Best Picture against Beasts of the Southern Wild and Zero Dark Thirty!!

The Snow Boot Association Season Prize

Okay. Weirdly, The Snow Boot Association voted Summer the best season. It’s kinda like when in 2013, the Academy actually gave the Oscar to 12 Years a Slave.

But that one culturally relevant win aside, we shouldn’t be shocked when La La Land wins Best Picture. We shouldn’t be outraged or impressed by really anything the Academy does—it’s no secret that it’s a biased institution. Of course, rage over injustice in culture and entertainment doesn’t melt away overnight. So maybe channel the anger into some other racist/sexist biased institution?

…Like the government?

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Alice Stanley Jr. is a writer/performer in Chicago. Learn more: www.alicestanleyjr.com & @astanjr.