How to Maintain Your Sanity for the Last Few Days of this Election

It’s almost over, everyone. Stay safe—and sane— out there by following a few simple guidelines.

Don’t make eye contact.

If you look at the wrong person, he or she may bring up politics before you can stop it. Just don’t look at anyone. Keep your head down, and don’t talk to people at Trader Joe’s or in line at Protein Bar or at your family dinner table or wherever. If you have places you frequent where you know people will try to have a conversation with you, like your place of work, stay away…just until November 9. It won’t be that bad.

Try not to pick up a newspaper or watch TV news for the next few weeks and also cancel your WiFi and just throw all your electronics away.

Don’t allow yourself to get sucked into watching or reading the opinions of others, because eventually you’ll just get upset. Besides, there’s nothing going on that you absolutely have to know about. It may seem extreme, but what’s more important than your sanity, right?

Buy all the canned vegetables and meat you can afford.

With all the time you’ll be spending at home, you’ll need a lot of food. Buy it up. Don’t be shy. People may look at you funny—like you’re crazy or something—but you’re not crazy. You’re the sane one. Besides you won’t know they’re looking at you because you’re not making eye contact, remember?

Get your basement ready.

Get a radio, kerosene lamps, guns (we’ll cover that later) and all that canned food ready downstairs. Have a very specific plan for when you will actually move in. Under what circumstances do you move into the basement? You’d better have an answer! If you don’t have a basement, dig one. You won’t regret it.

Buy all the guns and ammo you can.

If Hillary wins, you won’t be able to buy them anymore. If Donald wins, you’ll need everything you can get your hands on. Either way, you’re good. Or doomed. Or both!

You know what? Just go ahead and get in the basement now.

Go. Now. It’s time!

Only listen to ESPN Radio while you’re down there.

Wait! Kaepernick! That won’t work. Oldies stations! Find the Oldies stations. That should be pretty harmless.

You may only read magazines to occupy your time.

National Geographic Kids, Southern Living…and that is all. The older, the better.

What are you doing? GET IN THE BASEMENT! NOW!

Seriously! But don’t allow more than one other person down there with you. Everyone can only choose one person to live with for the next four or eight years. Figure out who’s coming with you, and do it quickly! Fingers crossed you make the right choice. I won’t be responsible for what happens if you don’t.

This post also appears at redeyechicago.com

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Joseph Thomas (@jtscatcat) lives in Savannah, Tennessee and is a student at The Second City Training Center. Find out about The Second City Training Center’s online writing classes here.