Make the GOP Convention the Most Memorable Four Days of Your Life

Americans have been waiting four years for the Summer Olympics, a new Frank Ocean album, and the election of our next president. We’re about to get one step closer to the latter as Republicans gather in Cleveland, Ohio to select their party’s nominee. For those lucky enough to attend, here’s how to best prepare for what’s sure to be the most memorable four days of your life since that cruise to Great Stirrup Cay:

Know your party

The party of Teddy Roosevelt, who dissolved trusts and broke up corporate monopolies; Abraham Lincoln, who presided over the end of the Civil War and emancipated slaves; and Dwight Eisenhower, who warned about the growing dangers of the military-industrial complex, is now the party of Donald Trump, who sold steaks at The Sharper Image and had a cameo in Home Alone 2. Every good party must come to an end at some point.

Don’t try to enter without a ticket

Space on the convention floor is reserved for party delegates, alternates, and volunteers. Anyone without proper credentials will be denied entry and, should the convention go as planned, so will Mexican immigrants and 1.6 billion Muslims.

Plan your attire

Pack a coordinated ensemble for whatever events you choose to attend, like a red hat, navy blazer, and pleated khakis for daytime, or a red hat, navy blazer, and pleated khakis for evening.

Memorize the lineup

Cleveland’s the home of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, and there’s no reason why you can’t treat this four-day orgy of fiscal responsibility and foreign Policypalooza like your own personal fest! Do you start by dropping molly and checking out greatest hits like Rudy Giuliani’s invective? Or do you bum some pills off Rush Limbaugh and check out the hottest up-and-coming acts, like Pastor Mark Burns, Kathryn Gates-Skipper, and Harold Hamm?

Leave your guns outside the convention site

You won’t be able to bring firearms inside or outside certain secure areas of the Quicken Loans Arena, but don’t worry: Ohio’s open carry laws still permit you to bring your weapons to certain areas outside the convention center, as well as taxis, stores, restaurants, bars, schools, yard sales, and churches.

Appreciate American exceptionalism 

Bask in the glow of a major cornerstone of the 2016 Republican platform: the conviction that our country holds a unique place and role in human history. It’s truly a special time to be alive in the only major industrialized nation half controlled by climate change deniers/automatic weapon fetishists/police brutality apologists.

Remember the 90s

From Pokémon to Independence Day to O.J. Simpson, the world is once again captivated by the pre-Millennial decade of Bush, Backstreet, and Buttafuoco. Don’t be surprised to hear that Newt Gingrich sent Tonya Harding after Hillary Clinton for sporting the Rachel at her Tamagotchi’s funeral!

Consult your bible

Remember--in this country, a woman should be allowed to choose which way she can’t have an abortion, you can still love thy neighbor you’re trying to deport, and it’s apparently not a sin to murder innocent black men for doing things like selling CDs or having broken tail lights because it happens so goddamn often.

Scour Craigslist

With gender inclusive bathrooms popping up like dandelions, how can anyone be expected to find the next Larry Craig when you have no idea who’s in the next stall? Don’t worry. Craigslist’s “casual encounters” section is flush with opportunities for anyone looking to get redistricted or gerrymandered by a consenting constituent.

Come to the realization...

...That a functioning government should include true compromise on principled stances, and that despite ideological differences, there’s still a way forward for people with diametrically opposed political identities to find common ground toward building better communities and opportunities. Then support Trump anyway.

A version of this post also appears on redeyechicago.com. 

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Greg Ott is a member of The Second City Touring Company. His website, only available online, is greg-ott.com, and his Instagram is @gregott.