Why Men Really Have No Business Joining A Women's March

There are some places a man should never go: A gynecologist’s office, a One Direction concert, the Forbidden Zone Dr. Zaius warned us about and, of course, a march for women’s rights.

Women across the nation are preparing to stand up for their procreation and parenting "privileges" (not to mention other p-words) in the wake of our nation ushering in a brand new president, a man who feels that threats of sexual assault are all in good fun. We guys would do best to keep our heads down and just enjoy the Rockettes being forced to perform.

Here are six reasons methinks men should be nowhere around when ladies doth protest too much:

1. If you were real feminists, it would just be called a “march,” right?

As I understand it, feminists desire equal rights between all the sexes. Then why force a gender on your march?

Suuuuuure, this particular demonstration is to protest the defunding of Planned Parenthood and other negative actions directed solely at undermining women for sport and profit, but just because we aren’t equally affected doesn’t mean we don’t deserve equal attention! I mean, we’d be giving up our Saturday Netflix binge to march, too.

2. You won’t approve our Devil’s Advocate float, and that's just rude.

Nothing improves a march’s return on societal investment like...an obstacle course! Wouldn’t it be better if men were there speaking for the other side when women are too emotional/terrified to consider the financial implications of budget readjustments?

Yes, other women may be good to hold you while you’re crying, but we can hold you to a higher standard of debate to present issues logically. After all. we all know this new administration holds logic in the highest regard. Come on! When Hillary repressed her emotions and spoke calmly, factually and rationally about objections to her policy, she….oh, wait….

3. We can’t go around using BIC Cristal Ballpoint Pens for Her!

Protests are just notorious for limited supplies. If men joined, we would have to buy two different types of razors to prepare--both ladies' and regular. We wouldn’t be able to drink your Chick Beer and Tab soda to wash down our Monterey Jill cheese sandwiches. I mean, there’s a reason why Sears sells Pink Hammers for Women, and protesting is just another tool that should be labeled differently to separate us and marked up for zero reason.

4. Neither I nor any of my fellow males want to be the subject of “locker room talk.”

If I marched with women, other men would judge me. Harshly. Do you women have any idea what that’s like?!?! They’d make cruel jokes behind my back about how I’m "whipped" or desperately trying to get laid. They wouldn’t even consider that I’m able to feel for causes that don’t directly affect me, because if they did, then maybe they'd realize that their own empathy levels are deficient and their actions are harmful….so they would call me a Liberal Snowflake to hurt my feelings! You know, because snowflakes are beautiful, unique and affected by their environment...how terrible!

5. You can’t put up with our March Madness

Despite what this article would have you believe, I’m very funny. If I were to join a protest, my sign would be so clever, so witty, so clapback-y, it would be featured on multiple Buzzfeed lists. Sorry, ladies. Looks like I’m the only getting that RuPaul GIF under my picture.

Are men like me supposed to just turn off our super-competitive nature just for the sake of supporting the entire other half of the population? Rather than try to outshine them?  I’m willing to back those in need, but not if it means stifling my own habits. Please! I’m here to change the world, not myself.

6. Men don’t want to depreciate the cause, do we?

We are facing very troubling times. The last thing protesters want is for things to get better right before their Big Lady Day. Imagine: A women’s march, filled to the brim with tens of thousands of humans of all genders working together, side by side. Huh. It kind of disproves the theory that men don’t care about women, doesn't it? The much more devastating scenario would be a protest made up solely of those who identify as female, begging for attention from a deaf patriarchy. Now that's a humdinger of a cause truly worth fighting for…

And people should definitely get on that. Like, tomorrow.

Click here to find out about how to join the Women’s March on Washington or any of the 386 (and counting) sister marches on Saturday, January 21st.

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C.J. Tuor is a frequent contributor to The Second City Network. He is a founding member of “Hitch*Cocktails” at The Annoyance Theater and “Clued In: An Improvised Murder Mystery” at Judy’s Beat Lounge.