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greetingz, chick-fil-a executivez.
hello. do not b alarmed. hello sur, yes, pleez stay in ur seetz. no, ur ayez r not deseeving u: we r tha cowz from chick-fil-a, and yes, we hav brokin into ur fansee dinner partee. pleez stay cawm.
u all luk luvlee thiz eevening, eevin in ur reedikulus humin klothing, sum of witch iz made frum tha skin of own brothrs. so thats luvlee. thanks for that. reel nice.
so i am gonna need to see a show uhv handz: hoo heer iz won uhv thowz closed-mynded biguhtz hoo haz bin saying that being gay iz un-natooral? and then putting uhs in cumurshulz lyke we r just kool with that lyne uhn thinking? cuz we r NOT.
(garee, lawk tha doorz…)
did u no that garee’z sun iz gay? yep, he iz! or that suzan heer--hi soozan--suzan iz uh lezbein? and that she and hur partnur hav razed to beootefull kaffs? or, i dont no, that u uze fuhking TAHKING COWZ as ur spokzpeepl? ware do u geht tha ahthoritee to deside wut iz natooral?
also, nawt to be thiz guy, buht u no how u sell baycun at ur stoorz? and also chiken and cheez sandwitchez? yea, tha bible sayz thoze r uhbominayshunz, too. so maybee luk in tha meerur next tyme befowr u start calling sumthing un-natooral.
asshowlz.
now, we no wat ur probublee thinkin. “hay,” ur thinkin. “ware do u get awf telling uhs wat to do? and also, how did thoze cowz lern how to rite, and also cunstruct full sentenses, and also parashoot accuratelee onto a college football feeld, but for sum reezun can still ownlee spell foneticklee?” and to dat we say “shut up, asshol. we were born dis way, and that deservez to b sellabrated. so stop being such biguhtz and ruening so many thingz for everyone.”
so pleez, do us a favor and stahp using us in ur cumurshulz. k? now, befowr we go, can sum won pleez tell...wayt, iz that stake? r u eating stake?! garee, iz that muther fuhking STAKE THEY R EETING?! R U EETING WON UHV OUR BROTHERZ???
o, chick-fil-a executivez...have u ever wondurred how they mayke taco bell beef? cuz ur abowt to find owt...garee, get da hewman meet grindr!
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Ben Larrison is a comedy person and writer. He performs at places like the Annoyance Theatre, Playground Theater, and is a graduate of the Severn Darden Graduate Program at the Second City Training Center. He is currently performing in "All Strings Attached," a Second City Directing Program showcase, on Saturday nights in the Beat Lounge. Ben has a website, which is benlarrison.com, and is on Twitter at @benlarrison.
