How to Get the Most Social Media Traction Out of Your 'I Voted' Post

Tuesday, Americans have the unprecedented opportunity to save our country from spray-tanned fascism while also electing our first female president. That means the potential for you to artfully exploit the fact that you voted to achieve social media mega-stardom is not just unprecedented, it’s off the fucking charts.

Think about it: A stupid picture of you holding a coffee with a caption that says “I caffeinated today!” will net you, like, 12 likes, tops. But ... the right pic of you holding an “I Voted” wristband with the caption “I Voted! You should, too!” could—according to some studies—net you eleventy gabillion likes. And hearts. And smiley-tongue faces. This is your moment, so don’t waste it! Launch yourself into the social media stratosphere by employing these simple Election Day ideas.

Place your “I Voted” wristband on your body in a fun way

Put it on your hat! Or your flexed bicep! Or even put it on your mouth to drive home the point that your vote is your voice! Wherever you put it, make sure it captures your unique, goofy personality and highlights the past three brave months you’ve spent telling people on Facebook to unfriend you if they support the other candidate. And literally nothing else, because doing actual stuff to change the world is hard.

Live stream how profound you feel

All 182 of your friends (whom you, for some reason, refer to as your “subscribers”) desperately care to hear about every detail of your voting experience. Channel your inner Meryl Streep and broadcast your story via an eloquent Facebook Live monologue filmed in a YMCA bathroom. Emotional honesty = hot sexxxy positive reinforcement. Or, at least, dozens of replies that are just the word “THIS.”

Fact: One “THIS” reply is roughly equivalent to 4,322 likes.

Use a stark filter

Aden and Hefe are great for the reds on your “I Voted” wristband, Hudson and Clarendon are excellent for the blues, and any filter’s contrast can be cranked up to take advantage of the white.

But perhaps instead of capturing all the colors of your self-satisfaction, you want to evoke the historic nature of Election Day. The Moon filter will add a History Channel-ish vibe to the picture of you standing outside a middle school, holding a Dunkin’ Donuts coffee and wearing a knowing smile that says, “I just solved all the world’s problems forever, and now I can just go back to binge-watching ‘Jessica Jones.’ ”

Show us your butt crack

Your suspicion is correct. Everyone you’ve ever met wants to see your crack. Sex sells! Just ask every media outlet that’s covered Trump’s myriad sexual abuse scandals. Speaking of which …

Say you voted for Trump

Want to really blow up on social media, like in a Chernobyl kind of way? Say you voted for the rage-filled Demogorgon! Your social life will be toast, you’ll be unhireable in blue states for at least 10 years, but hey! You’ll have gone out in a blaze of glory—and the red circle on the globe of your Facebook app will have double digits in it! For a couple of hours, at least.

But, seriously. I will be proudly posting an “I Voted” photo come Tuesday. You should, too.

This post also appears on redeyechicago.com

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John Loos (@JohnLoosWins) is an actor, improviser and writer in Chicago. Visit johnlooscomedy.com.