Commencement Speeches That Might Actually Be Helpful to Millennials

Chances are, you've gone to a commencement at some point. Perhaps it was your own -- high school, college, post-grad. Maybe a relative’s. Perhaps you've shown up for a friend.

Besides the five-second thrill when your person "walks," the only other potential for entertainment is the commencement speech. Let's face it— most of us aren't so lucky to have President Obama, Stephen Colbert or Alan Alda give us words of wisdom as we head off to live our lives. Instead, it's usually a speech filled with trite cliches and general advice we've gotten from our grandma a thousand times.

Here's some of the speeches we really want to hear:

“Hey, millennials!  You're not special snowflakes.”

You think that the world revolves around you and everyone should give you special treatment and "no one understands”? Well, every generation’s acted this way. Seriously. It's what happens. Don't worry about it. It won't be long before you'll be lamenting about how the kids don't remember how influential Beyoncé and Kanye were AND STILL ARE. How they don't respect their roots. How no one even knows who Louis C.K. is, and everyone is just a Chris Rock mimic.

Speaking of Louis CK and Chris Rock….

Why not just have a commencement speech where one of those dudes or Chappelle or Maron or Schumer just come out and do an hour of stand-up? You've just accumulated tens of thousands of dollars of student loans. That's worth the price of a ticket to a first-rate comedy show, ey?

“Stay in the now, ‘cause fuck it all.”

Graduates. Now is the time. The world is part of an ever-growing collective consciousness. To truly integrate your knowledge, we are called to perform acts of selfless, self-sacrificing action to change the here and now. Heal the planet, eradicate poverty, fight for social justice. 

We're all gonna die anyway. Everyone knows there is a fiery meteor headed our way. There's probably some GMO cancer brewing, and even if you manage to live through the robot apocalypse, you'll just  eventually wither away of old age.

“Don't just get married to the person you've been dating for the last three years ‘because.’”

You think it's a great idea and have the wedding halfway planned out with ideas from when you were in middle school, but stop ignoring those red flags. You'll thank me later, Julie. And Mike, stop pretending that this even still makes you happy. You don't even *want* kids. When's the last time you even got horny without watching Internet porn? Tom? Everyone except Melissa knows you're gay. It's cool. It's 2016. Live your life. And Becca? Don't marry John. Please don't marry John. I love you. Becca?

“This is how you live on less that $30,000 a year...”

Let's face it -- this degree is worthless, you won't be able to find a job in your "major," and you might end up on food stamps. So get to know and love Aldi. It's cheap food and a game-changer. They've really upped their game and even have gluten-free stuff! Also, get thrifty. Literally. Thrift stores, garage sales, alleyways. With more poor people and people who have figured out they can flip cool stuff, it's become more of a challenge, but you can still do it. Want to be super retro? Just move back in with your parents. 35% of you are gonna do it, anyways, at the highest rate in our nation since WWII. 

Besides, we're all gonna die anyway.

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Jocelyn Geboy (@smussyolay) is a writer and improviser who founded Three Left Productions and blogs for Chicago Now at An Unquiet Chicagoan.