Craft Beer Commandments for Devout Drinkers

Devout suds lovers, the holy time known as Craft Beer Week is upon us! This is a miraculous time to take pause and reflect upon this powerful and most trendy gift from the beer gods, who part the sea of Budweisers—I mean “Americas,” in case you’re unsure of what country you’re drinking corporate-brewed lager in—and offer us the liquid equivalent of three infinity scarves and a pair of non-prescription glasses. That’s what I call a beer miracle. A true BEERACLE.

Take heed of these commandments and worship responsibly.

Thou shalt not drink what old people drink

Boomers don't understand the divine ritual of craft beer like Gen-Xers-through-Millennials do. In all likelihood, they've snuck in a Coors or two to the festival with a wink and a dad joke. Heathens in Hush Puppies. Discourage them from drinking craft beer … or the end of the craft beer trend is nigh.

Thou shalt pair thy foods wisely

Any Old Milwaukee-loving heretic can eat nachos while shotgunning a tall boy, but how many are enlightened enough to commit to obtaining sashimi before daring to brave a local, seasonal hefeweizen? Don’t lower yourself to the peasant class of chips and dips. If your stomach has been corrupted by random base snacks, you may as well drink a pint of local, seasonal toilet water.

Honor thy Sam Malones

If these commandments are the words of the craft beer gods, then your craft beer bartending staff are your angels. From their enlightened banter to their perfect pours and precise inch of head, these holy warriors are fighting to save your discerning souls. They deserve your respect, but mostly your tips.

Thou shalt have the coolest robo-bones

Do you feel yourself becoming as divinely cool on the inside as you look on the outside? Then your craft beer selection is probably full of silicon and is encoding your bones in awesomeness. “Silicon” means computer stuff, so rejoice as your skeletal structure becomes Terminator-level elite! That’s how that works, right?

Thou shalt go forth and embarrass friends who don’t really “get” craft beers

Spread the gospel! The best-tasting craft beer of all is a frosty mug of social superiority. Smite those lesser beings who dare to call you names like “beer snob” or “pretentious.” It’s your mission to extinguish the burning Anheuser-Busch.

Praise craft beer!

This post also appears on RedEye Chicago.

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Steve Hobbs is a Toronto-based actor, comedian and writer.