More Nostalgic Restaurants I Want to Open Besides Saved by the Max

Can we call a Zack Morris time out? The “Saved by the Bell”-themed pop-up diner opened its doors in Chicago last week, so I decided to tune in to some classic Screech ‘n pals for the first time since the 90s.

There appeared to be some continuity issues in the episodes I watched. Like, Kelly’s hairband would be tied around her left wrist, and in the next scene, it was on her right. Oops! Then, when Zack made a fat joke to a girl’s face and she ran out of The Max in embarrassment, the laugh track accidentally went off. And when a storyline revolved around Zack selling his female friends as dates without their consent, I think the part where he is seriously punished accidentally was lost in post-production. Weird, right?

If I didn’t know any better, I‘d say ”SBTB” might be considered “problematic” in 2016. But those were the times, even if they’re a little tainted today! So although it was a show that taught young viewers it was entirely possible to cure drug addiction in a single day (I’m so excited, I’m so scared, I’m so… recovered by the next episode?) and only let black characters date other black characters, let’s raise our glasses to Saved By The Max. In fact, I wish more history lovers would follow suit.

Here are five other nostalgic restaurants I’d love to see pop up in Chicago next:

Salem Stake-house

Just like in the real Salem, you can be accused of witchcraft and pushed into a pond with rocks in your pockets at any time— but probably after entrees are served, when you’re likely to be heavier. You’ll make your pals jelly by Instagramming the to-die-for cider, but watch out! You might actually die when your buzzkill flash gets you a trial, where you’ll almost certainly be found guilty of loudly complaining that small plates are over.

The Great Chicago Fondue

So, you’re eating fondue in this trendy all-wood restaurant. Life is good. The milk in the milk chocolate is coming straight from the cow in the corner. Romantic mood lighting. Gee, this fondue is hot. No, like, you’re sweating. Ohmygod. The cow kicked over a candle. The room is ABLAZE WITH MARSHMALLOWS ON TINY STICKS AND NOSTALGIA. It’s so real! As smoke fills your lungs, you’ll consider how amazing your Snapchat story’s gonna be.

Donut Tie the Knot

This uber-cool donut bakery exists in perpetual 1999. Will Smith blares from the speakers, “Shakespeare in Love” posters adorn the walls, and no gay marriage has been legalized in the United States. Every Long John must be sold with a donut, and every donut must be sold with a Long John. Never two Long Johns, never two donuts—it’s so traditional, anyone can understand!

The Able Café

This hot spot is located in what used to be a real tree house in the 1960s—well before the Americans with Disabilities Act came into play. No “legally and morally necessary” uggo wheelchair ramps to clutter the decor! Try the lasagne,but don't follow my recommendation blindly-- because people with visual impairments probably can't make it in. Exclusion is the heart of exclusive, right?

Pre-Civil Rights Soda Shoppe

Great milkshakes! Iffy seating policy, though. What a blast from the sickeningly misguided and segregated past. Wait, exactly what kind of “nostalgia” are we celebrating here again?

Look, I’ll never forget when Slater did ballet or when Kelly and that idiotic-but-lovable-blonde mop danced outside the prom. So, sure. Head to Saved by The Max and enjoy your fond memories of Bayside High. Just know that your “Jessie’s Chauvinist Pig Hamburger” might come with a little side of negative social constructs that went unchecked twenty years ago.

Maybe some things are meant to be left in the past.

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Follow Alice Stanley Jr. on Twitter & Instagram @astanjr.