New Events Brazil Is Pretty Sure Will Save the Rio Olympics

The countdown to the Summer Olympics in Rio de Janeiro is on!

The Brazilian government has ensured that their countrymen have suffered economic woes, political corruption, environmental abuse, incomplete venues and security lapses just so the rest of the world can have their once-every-four-year fix of Greco-Roman wrestling.

As a way of keeping the focus on the athletes, the Brazilian government just announced they are accentuating the Olympic Games with some iconic Brazilian culture.  

Canoeing & Capoeira

What Olympic fan isn’t riveted by the white hot action of the canoe slalom? We can do better. Imagine a capoeira martial artist performing his twirling movements inside that canoe, attempting to capsize the paddler into the alligator-infested rivers. Stroke that, Lewis and Clark!

Archery & Churrascaria

You don’t have to be an athlete to have a meat coma brought on by going all-out at an all-you-can-eat Brazilian meat manor. For this special event, Olympic archers will attempt to shish kabob as many rows of animal flesh bits as they can with their trusty arrows—before bringing their sumptuous skewers to nearby dining tables. Stick that in your quiver, William Tell!

Shooting & Samba

As soldiers are taught to run in zig-zags so their enemy has a harder time hitting them, so is the object of this exciting sport. Master marksman from all over the world will have their skills tested as they attempt to target the smooth, sensuous hips of the Samba dancer. Try that with your musket, Davy Crockett!

Trampolining & Caipirinha 

Of course trampolining is an Olympic event. Why wouldn’t it be? But who wants to watch a trampoliner perform difficult twists in the air while sober? For this thrilling sport, athletes will drink a half-gallon of Caipirinha— Brazil’s national cocktail of Cachaça, sugar and lime—before mounting the bouncy death trap. But Officer, I’m not as think as you drunk I am!

Field Hockey & Carnival

Sure, swinging sticks is cool. But those bright Brazilians thought, “Let’s spice this game up a bit by requiring athletes to be scantily clad. Wait, not clad at all.” After all, as sex sells at Carnival, so let’s STICK with what works. Slapshot that, Gretzky! (I know, different hockey. Up yours!)

Water Polo & Zika

Many of us love it when underwater cameras focus on the swimming legs of the water polo athlete, hoping for a possible trunk tug by an opponent. In an effort to make even more waves, mosquitoes carrying the Zika virus will add extra alarm in the pool, as athletes attempt to bring home the gold, but not the virus. Swat team!

Fencing & Favelas

Dexterity and coordination will be tested when gangs and criminals attempt to foil the uniformed athletes during this Swordplay in the Slums. Rapiers against rapists! Feints against firearms!  Parries against pistols! Zorro, keep your mask on! 

See you Brazil nuts at the Olympics!

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Larry Rambo is a comedy writer from Stuarts Draft, Virginia, located in the bucolic Shenandoah Valley. When not writing, Larry performs in musicals, plays, improv, and for anyone who will give him the attention his adoptive wolf family neglected to lavish upon him in his childhood.