5 Non-Relaxing Chicago Realities on National Relaxation Day

Today is National Relaxation Day, and where better to soothe your stressed-out soul than in Chicago? Our city is known for three things: high homicide rates, corrupt politicians and being as laid-back as the Build-A-Bear you stuffed full of Ambien last time you went to Navy Pier. Who needs a pillow and ZzzQuil? Here are five ways to celebrate in the Windy-But-More-Like-A-Gentle-Relaxing-Breeze City.

Take a scenic CTA trip

Walk up to your nearest train station, swipe that Ventra pass of yours a few times until it works and explore the city on the CTA. Sure, it’s crowded! Of course people are rude. And yes, I understand that someone next to you just pooped. But nothing centers your life circle more than taking a long commute with your favorite book. While someone is so obviously playing with themselves in the back.

Go for a dip in Lake Michigan

Grab some sunscreen, a beach towel and your fave hazmat suit, and go for a swim! Enjoy the weather (while it lasts) as thousands of tourists (probably from Indiana) invade our little slice of heaven, leaving piles of garbage on our already-polluted shores. Rising water levels—a whopping 15 inches since last year—have already swallowed up many northern beaches and destroyed several bike paths, but it doesn’t matter. Anything north of Evanston isn’t considered real Chicago, so we’re cool.

Snag a one-way ticket to easy street

Become a politician, because they get away with so much stuff in Chicago that it would be a crime not to enjoy it! Get elected and then get loose—meaning both your stiff neck muscles and your moral code. Hey, if you’re evil enough, they might do a "Chicago P.D." episode about you! And if you’re Rod Blagojevich, you’ll get eight more years at that Colorado all-inclusive.

Don’t count sheep

Because how many sheep can there possibly be? Instead, try counting down from 2,607—which is the number (as of Monday) of shootings in Chicago this year. This won’t actually help you fall asleep, but it will most likely cause you to pass out from the realization that each one of those numbers represent a human being. All 2,607.

Get some aire fresco

Turn off your Blackberry and go for a jog—because you’re running from Immigration and Customs Enforcement. Illinois immigration courts are currently backed up with over 20,000 deportation cases, leaving many seeking asylum stuck in a three-year limbo ... limbo party! Someone pour out the punch, because while you’re waiting to reconnect with your loved ones, we’re out here listening to Harry Belafonte and drinking Malört.

Ah, cheers to chilling in Chicago!

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Diego Sanchez (@diegoinchicago) is an actor and writer who loves horchata, Boystown and Beyoncé.