Terrifying Real-Life Halloween Monsters to Protect Yourself From

October: Month of the Damned. Especially if you’re a last-minute Halloweener who waits until the eleventh hour to build that not-so-clever “Ham-pire” creature from scratch--when both ham AND capes are all sold out. First ghost-world problems, am I right?

When it comes to Halloween, there are plenty of real-life, monstrously strange creatures to protect ourselves from. Want to play a game? (Cue maniacal puppet laughter.)

Let’s see how many of these monsters from the Upside Down (aka, your life) you’re ready to face...

Assistant Manager Phil-Zilla

You’re stuck at work late on the Friday before Halloween. That amazing party with all your friends is just down the street. Y’know, the one with the costume competition where the same way-too-into-it person always wins every year, but you're getting closer and closer to the Top 5 despite mostly ripping off memes you’re a fan of?

Anyway, none of those plans matter, because with the rumble of orthotic shoes and the deafening roar of pug-like breathing sounds, your boss the Phil-zilla has emerged! And *that* guy didn’t even try to accommodate the three-week notice you gave him about needing the night off. Phil-zilla claims another victim.

The Demi-Gordon (And Demi-Sarah)

You’ve got one foot out the door, about to have a much needed pumpkin spice beverage and meet up with friends, but UH-OH. Are you forgetting something? The BLOOD?! By which I mean the blood ties you share with your nephew Gordon and your niece Sarah, of course. You promised your sister you’d spend time with them out trick-or-treating, but here you are, unready, failing to deliver on that cool Iron Man mask you said you’d promise you’d wear.

Nice job, pal. Now you’ve got tiny faces full of tears, and an upset stomach full of shame-slugs.

Price Gouge-Ula

As the late October sun sets on the horizon, a dark shadow envelops a local Walmart. Deep in the smiley-faced catacombs of the retail outlet, a corporate demon emerges…Price Gouge-Ula rises! Yes, this blue-vested monster brings news from corporate headquarters that it’s late enough in the season to jack up prices on all candy-related items. This creature feeds on the misery of customers, exploiting their hopes for reasonably priced tiny Mars Bars. It would almost be a relief if it would just bite into our jugulars for nourishment and leave those low rollback prices alone.

Your Ex-Ghoulfriend

Isn’t it funny how you can always spot creatures of lore like werewolves and zombies a mile away, but your ex always seems to sneak up on you? There’s nothing more haunting than a ghost of relationships past. When an actions innocent like talking to another human being in a grocery store can spurn this creature into jealousy and emotionally-charged Snapchats, it doesn’t sound so crazy to want more access to socially acceptable, identity-concealing masks out of season. 

Exorcise Your Own Demons 

You:

• Are not happy with your weight
• Can’t pay rent on time
• Flirt awkwardly in a creepy way
• Don’t clean up around your living space
• Lie to the people you care about
• Take way too many selfies
• Make weird little throat noises both when you sleep and when you’re nervous

Any of those sound familiar, Mr. or Ms. Emotional Monster? Hey, if you can’t afford premium self-help like therapy, maybe Halloween is a blessing in disguise. Drop your current look, invest in some ghoulish make-up and a cape, and take casual Fridays in a whole new direction. You do you, Frankenstein.

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Steve Hobbs is a Toronto-based actor, comedian and writer.