Super-Thoughtful Holiday Gift Ideas For All Your Loved Ones

So, it’s time to buy people presents. Again. And while there are very concrete rules about what not to get the special people in your life, getting it right isn’t always as easy. Until now. Here are the most thoughtful gifts to get for your most cherished loved ones. You’re welcome.

Your foodie friend

With the stomach-churning news that Chicago’s Department of Health is not actually inspecting “high-risk” food establishments twice a year, as is required by the state, it seems that most of us have regularly been playing Ahi Poke Roulette. Whip up a little homemade first-aid kit for your culinarily curious pal: Pepto-infused sriracha and a reusable, eco-friendly barf bag.

Paul Kahan

Speaking of foodie friends, congratulations are in order for One Off Hospitality’s chief mate and his team for the much-anticipated opening of Publican Anker in Wicker Park. Kahan could probably use a dictionary, though. (Note: Not “tho.”) Do they still make those? Or do we blame the twee spelling of “anchor” on an autocorrect mistake after having one too many at The Violet Hour?

Your boss

“What’s that? Everyone needs to stop what they’re doing—the thing you said was so very important on Tuesday—and totally shift gears to this other thing? For no discernible reason or guaranteed outcome?” If you’ve got a boss who can’t make up his or her mind, likes to pop open a million different ideas that contain zero substance and eventually all fall flat … gift wrap LaCroix’s new Holiday Variety Pack (really!), now available at Mariano’s.

Chicago’s rat population

Remember last winter, when there was that rash of smash-and-grab Canada Goose parka thefts? I’d like to think the Goose burglars stole those $800 coats to turn them into hundreds of teeny, tiny little rat-sized jackets for underground distribution. You know, to save them from Rahm’s plan to murder them with dry ice.

Your Hillary Clinton-loving sister

She’s depressed. She needs sunlight and exercise. Get her a one-way ticket to Chappaqua and a Gandalf-style walking stick. What’s the modern American feminist version of a walkabout? A Hill-hike. It seems that 87 percent of Twitter users have had a run-in with Hillary during a recent hike spike, so give your sad sis something to live for.

Your Donald Trump-loving aunt

She loves her Second Amendment rights and her glue gun equally. She enjoys poorly crafted tweets from our president-elect and well-crafted Mod Podge projects. Get her a gift card to Michaels. That one's almost too easy.

Yourself

This holiday season, don’t forget the most important person in your life. 2016’s been a real doozy, so give yourself the gift that keeps on giving, or at least foaming: a fire extinguisher to have on hand in advance of 2017, should it prove to be an equally enormous and destructive dumpster fire.

This post also appears at redeyechicago.com

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Liz Kozak is editor-in-chief.